I Promise!

5 Promises I Wish My Baby Could Comprehend

1. "Little One, I have been holding you for almost 5 hours straight. I am going to put you down now. You are going to be okay, I promise."

2. "The formula takes about 30 seconds to make. You are not going to die from starvation in that 30 seconds, I promise."

3. "I wont let anyone hold you that will hurt you. It is okay to let someone else hold you and give your mom a break. I wont abandon you, I promise."

4. "I just went into the other room to get something. I wont leave you alone, I promise."

5. "I know I am making you cold by changing your diaper and clothes but don't worry, I am putting another one on. You cry when you are poopy anyway, make up your mind! You wont go without clothes or diapers, I promise!"

"Seriously child, you are okay, I promise."

Open Mic Vidoes!

Here are the videos of my performance on Friday Sept. 9th 2011 at Forza Coffee Co. It was my first time ever performing at an open mic or anything the like. I loved it. I will be doing it again and I will write more songs. I felt so natural being behind the mic and on stage.

My First Open Mic

About two months ago I was working on a project for my video class. I chose to make a music video for one of my original songs. I thought about writing a new one but then one day I brought my guitar to class and my instructor happened to bring his guitar as well. I joked about it but he told me to get mine and so I did. He then told me to play him an original song. I awkwardly and embarrassingly started to play. Now at this point I was not comfortable playing in front of people and would go quiet or extremely flat. I have only sang solo very few times in my life, once in high school, once at Grays Harbor College when I took voice lessons, at my Dad’s wedding and at my brother’s wedding. I did okay in the high school but totally bombed college, was super nervous for the weddings I think my voice cracked and I went flat. If there were other times I don’t remember probably because I blocked them out. 

However, I love to sing. I love to pull out my guitar and create music. Every time I do I feel at peace with myself. When I was pregnant I played my guitar to relax. However, I always wondered what was the point writing this music if I was too scared to perform it for people. I did make a CD with some songs I wrote awhile back but they are okay recordings and it was great fun but I still wouldn’t say I was completely confident.

So here I was playing my song for my instructor and my two classmates/friends. He tells me to play it again and so I do. I start playing it and he jumps in with some amazing guitar riffs. Then my friend jumps in and starts singing the harmony with me. And it was like that was the key that opened the door. I loved it. I was walking on air. So it began. After finding out that my instructor plays in a band with his significant other I was flattered when he kept saying my song was really good. Then when I was playing it and his partner was around she too said it was good I am not sure why that gave me the confidence I needed but it was certainly the right keys.

I started to toy with the idea of performing at an open mic. I set the date. September 9^th. I had two songs already so I wanted a third. I finished writing a third song. Before I felt like I could do it I decided to start playing for my friends anytime we had a gathering. I was so nervous but then it got easier and fun. When I went camping a guy that was camping across from us played the guitar and he did open mics so he gave me some pointers.I played for him and he said they were good. With all of this positive feedback I figured if I was that horrible SOMEONE would say something if I was that horrible.

Per suggestion I decided to go to the open mic at Forza Coffee Company. My friend Mandi, who is also a singer/songwriter, wanted to do it as well which totally helped me have the courage to do it. Since we arrived early we were second and third on the list. I was third. I will forever be grateful for Mandi going before me. I am not entirely sure I would have had the same confidence if I didn’t see my friend do it first and survive!

It was so great that so many friends and family came to support Mandi and I. The place was pretty low key and our posse took up half of the space. When I got up there I wasn’t really all that nervous. I am not entirely sure as too why but I guess I was confident in my ability. I was situated in front of the mic and soon I was singing my first song. I did mess up on the first set of chords but I didn’t let that slow me down or stop me. I soon was into it and loving every minute.

I hate to brag but I will. I did amazing! I think it was the best I ever performed. I don’t think. I know. I know because of the compliments that I had received afterwards, not just from my posse but from others there, which totally makes me feel great. One lady told me that I had a very beautiful voice. I am happy that I was able to perform well so that everyone could enjoy it. I guess there even some teary eyes at one of the songs. I still have a very long way to go to be a solid performer but I am certainly not going to stop now that I realize how comfortable I am behind the mic.

All I know is this new amazing feeling and that I am still on a high. I just know that I am continually building my talent for music and I am excited to see where I go with it. I have worked really hard since the 7th grade to get where I am at. When I was little I actually wrote that I hated to sing! My mom told me in 7th grade that if I was going to sing that I needed to sing correctly. So that is what I have been working on and now it is one of my ultimate passions. Especially after open mic night!

I Almost Have It All

The other day someone said to me that I look great. I felt like it was misrepresented at first but then when I stopped to think about it. I am great because I almost have it all.

I have to admit there for a while I was in a huge rut. Unmotivated, uninspired and unwilling. I think what catipaulted the change was moving into my own place. I remember the day before I was ready to explode and I felt like giving up on everything. Then the next day I found this little home and it's been a huge life changing blessing.

Since then I have done a ton of photography to increase my portfolio so that I can be able to promote myself to hopefully start making money. Also, I have written and started to play original songs for others and set a date to play at an open mic night.

I feel that because I now have sense of independence and increased responsibility I feel like I need to do more. Honestly, I almost have it all. I have my photography, my home, my school, my music and most importantly my daughter. I feel so blessed and in awe.

I guess I owe the man upstairs one rather large hug, and those who know me know I do not give them out lightly.

Questions and Answers

Today was full of answers and yet more questions.

The other day Naomi wasn't feeling well and I got woken up to her throwing up every where. So scary to wake up hearing your baby choking on her own throw up. I don't even think my feet hit the floor when I jumped out of my bed. After going to the dr's that even which was supposed to just check her weight because she was gaining weight so slowly, it came to the conclusion she should go to the ER. After being in the ER for five hours it was only concluded that her potassium level was too high. Not understanding what that was I was sent on our way to see the dr again the next day. At the drs they poked her again to get more blood. She seems to be okay off and on. The blood results came back with more potassium. So they are going to do a different kind of blood test to see if it really is that high. Let's pray that is is not.

I am not sure what it all means but there is stomach bug going around. I am ever so closely monitoring her. I am sure she will be okay. It is just so sad to see something so small not feel well and not really know why. She can't say "Mommy, my tummy hurts." but she does the best she can to communicate when she cries or snuggles into me.

I also got an answer to something I have so desperately waited for. I cried but only because I no longer have this question over my head. What happens next I am not so sure. Only time will tell.

I am moving tomorrow, well mostly, and I am super excited. We have a life to build in our new home. It is just perfect. I have been blessed with some surprise income and I am working towards being able to make money doing portrait photography. I took pictures today of someone and they turned out pretty good.

Taking a leap of faith

I felt that there needed to be a change in my life and I've been changing a lot of things from relationships I am involved in to living situations. After having my daughter all I worry about is what I am doing is not only going to be good for me but will it mostly be good for her.

There was a relationship I was getting involved and although it wasn't or would not be a bad thing it was not the right thing. I still maintain a relationship with this person but it is nothing more than a great friendship which I am totally okay with. You never know what the future has in store but I am grateful to be friends with this person. I had a pretty intense dream that partially triggered this establishing what relationships I want and do not want.

Then there is where I live. I currently live with three great people but it has never felt like home here. Especially since my daughter was born. I feel like that was a part of my depression. It was not necessarily anything they did or did not do exactly but I just felt like I wanted a different situation for my daughter and I. However, I felt trapped and that there was no where else for us to go . I am sure that caused some frustration and sadness as well. I feel the time is approaching where I will be completely out of money. My plan to sell art work did not entirely go and that adds to the pressures.

I have been feeling completely at a loss for what to do. I had a hard time visualizing the future and it in turn made doing anything, even school work like a major challenge. All I felt was, "what is the point?" I even almost gave up all that I worked so hard to stay on the right path and go back to where I was before I got pregnant. I thought about dropping school.

Upon perusing craigslist.org I came across a little mobile home slightly out of my price range but something triggered a spark of hope so I went and checked it out with my best friend. (I am so glad she was transferred here!) I mean, what would it hurt to check it out? The second we pulled up to this little mobile home I felt like that was it. That was the place to establish a home for my daughter and I.

We walked in and it was perfect. The size is perfect, the layout is perfect and the property it sits on is perfect. Knowing that it is slightly out of my price range all I know was I needed to take that leap of faith. I need to provide a good home for my daughter and I know that is the place to do it. It is a 600sqft mobile home on a lovely elderly couples property surrounded by grassy fields and trees. The kitchen is open to the living room, there is a tiny room for Naomi and a bigger room for my computer and art stuff. A bathroom with a stackable washer and dryer. It is next to my best friend and down the road from my brother and his wife. A short distance from the church as well. It is clean and well-maintained. It has a deck, a picnic table and a good sized storage shed. I felt like home when I walked in and already wanted to move .

I know going slightly out of my price range is going to be a huge leap of faith. My next task is to find a good job that I can do while taking care of Naomi and go to school. I am lucky to have amazing people in my life to help me out. I know the Lord will provide a way. I mean, look at all the saints that traveled to Utah and established a home there without having nothing. There are sacrifices I will make, like having internet, but I know it will be worth it. Those who know me know how much I utilize the internet too.

Now moving and establishing my own home has made me excited and is motivating me to do more. I feel like I am getting out the rut I was in and hopefully I did not mess up too much while being in this rut. I am now excited about the future rather than being worried. I will continue to worry do not get me wrong, but I feel like I can tackle ideas and get it going. I have something to work for and that is too keep my home for my daughter.

Quick Update...

Wow. What a crazy couple of weeks. I haven't written much on here or posted any pictures lately because I have been so crazy busy. I thought I would make a quick update.

Good news is that Naomi is starting to finally get bigger! Yay. She finally hit 10lbs! I can't believe she is already two months old. She is doing good with the formula. I still feel sad I had to stop but I still feel like it was the right choice. She is an amazing little baby. So very relaxed most of the time. She does get bored fairly easily and right now she is in "I want my mommy" phase! She loves when guys hold her but not so much a female. It is strange. She is definitely a momma's girl. Can't say I didn't plan for that. Ha! She is also extremely talkative. I am teaching her to say "hi grandma." I think we got the hi part down. She loves to watch TV and the mobile over her bed. Haha. That is so my little girl!

I'm almost done with this school semester. I can't wait. I am not sure I've passed my classes but we shall see. I did what I could do and that was the best for me. (Hence me ignoring this blog.) I am sure it will all work out in the end. I have been also trying to get back into shape. I dislike not being where I was at before pregnancy so I am trying to get back and then some. Right now I am size 18/16 at 269lbs. I can definitely loose that and get back into shape! Every day I push my self and the more jogging I get to do the better I will get.

I am not sure what the future has in store. I am just trying to figure out right now. I am hoping the routes I am going are the right ones and that it can help me out. I need daycare, I need a job to get daycare, I need daycare to get a job. Yeah. Confusing. I still have bouts of sadness and anxiety about things but the one thing I am trying to have is faith. Faith that it will all work out. I did give Naomi the middle name Faith because it reminds me that I had faith she would come and now I have to have faith that everything will be okay. God is on my side I just know it.

Oh yeah, I have a blog.

Well, I feel bad. I have not written on here in almost a month. So many good things have happened this month and it has been extremely busy!

Bad things first... I am afraid to say that I am switching to formula. I have attempted to breastfeed but after my trip to Utah it has come to my realization that I just don't give her enough. She is still very small and the WIC lady made me feel almost extra sad by the fact that she is only 8lbs 13oz at two months old. Apparently that is lower than the 25 percentile with her height which is almost 22". I have tried to stick with it but when it comes to feeding her she never seems satisfied and is extremely fussy. It has been a challenge to do it with my hectic lifestyle with school and other activities. I feel good about the decision if that means she will start gaining weight instead of loosing it.

On to the good things. On July 10th she had her Baby Blessing which her Grandpa Lockwood was able to do. She cried the entire time! Of course! It frazzled Grandpa a little but he still gave a great blessing and talked about her name being named after Naomi from the bible. Her name was inspired by God and so I hope she does remember that all her life. She is definitely a very special spirit. My brother and his family came. It was wonderful to see them! I love them all so very much and wish they lived closer to see them more often. Afterwards we had a bbq at my other brother's house. And some friends also showed. It was great to have to much love there for my little girl.

We took a trip down to Utah. I should write a whole blog about that! I missed some classes to go luckily I made up time so that I could do that. It was great! Absolutely wonderful that I got to see my family. I miss my Grandma so so very much and to see her turn 80 was a truly a blessing. I am thrilled that she got to meet her great granddaughter. I also got to meet my nieces some for the first time! Such wonderful beautiful girls. I almost want to move to Texas just so I can be there for them. I absolutely adore them all! In fact, we should all just move to one location to all be together. It was great to meet my new sister-in-law and see my brother. My trip went fairly easy with Naomi. My parents were happy I am sure that they got sleep at night because she sleeps for so many hours at a time. (Speaking of, I think I should wake her and feed her and let her play so I can get some sleep tonight.) My Grandma's birthday party was amazing from, the bagpipe player to all of her quilts and family being there. Truly wonderful party to celebrate such a wonderful woman.

Speaking of my Grandma. I think I should dedicate a whole blog to her. I am reading her life story right now what she wrote and just after reading the introduction I got teary eyed. I am anxious to read the rest of her story. I am truly grateful to have such an amazing humble woman for my Grandma. I admire her on so many deep levels. She is so very special to me. I am so thankful she took the time to write out her life story. I am grateful I keep journals and this blog that I too may someday write my story for my children.

This last month I have been thinking of needing to do some major overhaul. Spiritually, emotionally and physically. It is going to be a challenge but I think it will be the right choices in the long run. I had a dream that Joseph Smith, the prophet that restored the gospel in the latter days, came to me teaching me about the Gospel and it occurred three times. First time I barely listened, the third time I partially listened and then the third time I fully listened. Each time he said to me over and over again "it is important that you know this." It was a simple dream in the end.

Since those dreams I have felt restless. I have begun reading the Book of Mormon to start. I believed so much in it before I must know that it is true and to have a dream like that must be something I need to do. I hope I can make the right decisions and best decisions for me and my daughter.

Obviously it is important.

One Month Already!

I can't believe that it has already been one month. I feel like it has went by really fast but at the same time strangely slow. It has been quite an adventure thus far. I have experienced crazy sleeping patterns and being completely swollen from water retention. (That is now starting to go down since I got some pills. Yay.)

I am still so amazed that I have a beautiful baby girl. She is mine and I helped create her. She is certainly becoming a Momma's girl and I can't say that is a horrible thing. I love this little girl to pieces and I am excited for our future.

This little girl is amazing. She is more alert when I look at her. This morning I said "I love you my little baby girl!" and she smiled at me! Love it! So I got her to smile for me later. Photo session again!

The Unexpected.

Life. It is so unpredictable. It is strange and curious. This journey I have gone through thus far has been interesting to say the least. I know I have been slacking writing in here which really has nothing to do with my baby. We are starting to get settled in. Things are starting to feel normal and working out.

The major thing is that someone specific and special in my life is starting to be more in it again. I thought that basically this would never happen. I understand some of my family and friend's reactions to it but I can't help but feel good to go with it. However, I am afraid that a certain aspect is causing this comeback but deep down I honestly don't think it is.

I am so anxious to do the paternity test. Considering that was a major part of my depression for so very long. I am sure all parties are wanting to know. I feel like so much right now is riding on the results of it but I do suffer from anxiety and paranoia at times.

Another unexpected thing was at school on Thursday, at whim playing my song for my class and my instructor getting out his guitar and my friend harmonizing and then and there we almost completed my song. It was amazing. I love writing and playing music. It feels so good and that it mends a piece of my heart every time. I am very desirous to continue this further. Especially since I got a positive response.

Right now... I am not entirely sure what the future intends. I am curious to see it through and want to go with it. I do know, however, this is the happiest I have felt in a very very long time.

And It Continued...

So. She slept till 4am. I got to sleep about 1:30am. So that made 2.5 hours of sleep. Yay me! Usually she goes to sleep again. But didn't want to. I fed her many times over the next 5 hours and she didn't calm down. It didn't help I kept falling asleep while feeding her. It is impossible to sleep when the baby is fussing in the crib across the room.

My mom got me crying to her at 8 am. I was delirious at one point I swore I heard the doorbell ring frantically so grumbling I got up and went to the door. No one was there. I was quite upset no one was there. Not the fact I thought the doorbell was ringing.

Finally by the time she was asleep again I was too awake and hungry to go back to sleep. The morning was rocky with me trying to do homework with battling swelling up and headache. Per request of my mom I called the OB doc and the triage nurse insisted I go in to check my blood pressure. Right before then however I was crying because some pictures I had found on an old phone of my foster children and me I accidentally deleted them. So far not a good day.

It got better going shopping with my dear beautiful friend and it cheered me up to spend time with her and drag her around. Ha. I got my blood pressure checked it was fine. Although the triage nurse made me feel bad for going back to school so soon. I don't really have a choice. I am already having a hard time going back so I didn't take well what she was saying to me about it.

But after shopping for things for my birthday bbq my friend and I came back and watched a movie. It was... interesting. I enjoyed it. Not as funny as I had hoped but it was good. But during the movie I got a phone call. Although, I should probably be more worried than I am turns out Naomi has a staff infection, MRSA, in her belly button. Are you kidding me?! Lucky it is not bad but they called in some antibiotics for her. I feel horrible that at 3 weeks old she already has an ailment! So yes, just made a bad day to worse. I played it cool because my mom was freaking out a little but have to admit that I have some panic going on. I am sure all will be okay but it makes me want to put her in a bubble for a while. So I hope no one feels bad if I tell them no when they want to hold her and see her tomorrow. I just want her to not get worse.

Lets hope tonight goes better. She is currently still asleep in her car seat and I know I need to move her soon but hopefully she wont decide to stay up all night tonight. I also pray that this mrsa thing will go away and nothing else will happen.

What a day!

So today I felt the emotions. It's been getting harder for me to fall asleep at night and therefore more difficult to wake up in the mornings or do the late night feedings. I think in turn that is starting to take an emotional toll.

Today was extremely difficult for some reason. I had woken up with the plan to do my homework. Which I stuck too but it was getting harder to concentrate on it as the day wore on. I worked on a little bit of everything since I have so much to catch up on. I may cut my losses on some assignments we shall see. At 1 in the afternoon I had fed the baby for the umpteenth (that's an actual word?) time and we played for a while. Finally she had fallen asleep by 3. I thought it would be a great opportunity to push on some homework. But by 4pm I couldn't stand it any longer. My eyes were drooping. I decided a nap was needed in case my little vampire decided to be awake till 2 am again.

Right when I made it there I found myself fighting the sleep but finally I could feel my body drifting. I took note of the time right before I knew sleep was eminent. 4:15ish. Then bam. Not fussing but crying from the crib. Eyes open. I got 5 minutes of sleep. I layed there hoping she would fall back asleep but no, crying got more intense so I got up feeling the fighting of the need to sleep which was more intense now. It is so difficult to go from the second you fall asleep to being awake again. Not possible.

To make matters worse she was in all kinds of a frenzy and then I started to change her diaper. But, she just wouldn't stop pooping and peeing!! It went everywhere! So here I am barely functioning due to jarring 5 minute sleep and she is freaking out! I am trying to be calm about it but I am like "Are you kidding me!? Stop pooping!" Trying to clean up the poop, trying to find a diaper that isn't the same size as her. (Ran out of newborn ones but had size 1's somewhere.) I was ready to just start crying because I knew she just needed to stop pooping so I could feed her again. It had been a few hours. When my roommate came in and I have this saying a lot "Goodness gracious little one" so she came in and said that. I think I gave her the death glare and I said "no, it's damnit little one! She wont stop pooping! It's getting everywhere" (Okay, so I am laughing about it now but it was NOT funny at the time.) My roommate offered to hold her I told her no. It wouldn't have done any good because I knew part of her reasons for screaming like a banshee was that she was hungry. So handing her off would be unproductive. Plus, she was pooping yet again in the new diaper so I would have to change it third time in a five second span!

Finally she stopped pooping and I fed her. By about 5:15 she was asleep once again. I questioned if I should sleep but I decided too. We slept for a long while. But then, she was hungry and I was hungry with a headache. I thought, no worries, I will feed her and she will fall back asleep and I will get to eat. It is 8:30 at this point.

Good plans never pan out. Here it was11:30 she had snacked for the entire three hours and wouldn't go to sleep. I was now starving to where I was nauseous. Everytime she drifted off to sleep and I put her down in her crib she would awake and start crying. My friend that I was talking to online pointed out that I would have to do the "let her cry" deal. Do you realize that when she pushes out her little bottom lip and looks up at me with those dark brown eyes and screams "maaaaaaaaaamaaaaaa" how impossible it is to just let her cry?! Impossible!

I did it although, here it is 1am. I made a dinner that ended up being horrible but it is substance. (By the way, you cannot make beef stew meat patties.) But she has been sleeping for about an hour and now I am afraid to try and sleep and repeat what happened earlier.

I did cry a little. I thought right now a partner would be good to have. But, I did it. I guess today other than the first night was the first day I felt very overwhelmed but it was all to do with the fact I needed to sleep but got pulled out of it and the idea I have a ton of homework to catch up on and not being in class to get that extra instruction makes it harder to do.

Tomorrow is the same thing; homework but with some shopping thrown in. Saturday is my birthday and I do have something planned which I am slightly nervous for but hopefully will be fun. But, hopefully tomorrow there wont be an explosion of poop.

Photo Sessions!

The joy of being a photographer is that I will always have a camera and so there will be plenty of opportunities to take her picture! She is so photogenic! Here are some pictures I took so far.
All photography is copyright. ;)

6 DAYS OLD:

1 WEEK:

11 DAYS OLD:

2 WEEKS:

Two Weeks Old

My little one is two weeks today. Amazing how it's already been two weeks. I have one week I am taking off from school left. It is going to be extremely difficult to go back I think. These last two weeks have gone by so quick but it has been amazing though. I have enjoyed it even though I have spouted off about her staying up so late. But, I cannot explain fully the love that just wants to burst out of me every time I watch her or hold her.

When she sleeps she likes to sleep with her hands up to her face and she will roll to her side. It just is so freaking adorable I just giggle when I see her. I love her cries because they are so soft but it almost feels like she is properly expressing her frustration. It's not like panic just like "hey I am poopy and hungry so stop what you are doing and come take care of me please." I feel like her communication skills are already very well established.

I am going to take her to church with me today. It should be interesting considering the church is for the young single people. But, I am not ready to quite leave her yet. Also, my car died on the way to my parents house. So I didn't get to go see them before they went back to work. Not happy about that. It also sucks because going without a car is not going to be good. I hope it is not too expensive to fix.

A lot has happened these last two weeks, from reconnecting with someone important to making spiritual choices that I am already battling the opposition for and making some new friendships and working hard to continue other friendships. This is just the beginning and I am praying I can make it through it for my daughter.

(Also, hopefully soon I can get new pictures up too.)

Breastfeeding: The Result.

So, I knew I would have to eventually post a blog about the outcome of my experience breastfeeding. I did make a huge deal about it.

After attending a breastfeeding class and hearing about the oxytocin and how it will help me loose weight and also help with postpartum depression I was more convinced and intrigued. Basically, I officially on board.

Naomi was born with a tight frenulum or also known as being tongue tied. Basically there was some cartalidge keeping her tongue from being able to come out and would cause issues latching on. They did say that they can clip it to fix the issue but would have to go to someone who does it. Apparently most pediatricians and hospitals don't do it anymore. For the time being however I still needed to figure out a way to feed her. So they gave me a nipple guard. That thing was horrible! I hated to use it. It took me forever to place it on and even then she still had issues.

She kept dropping weight however, which meant she wasn't getting enough. I wasn't quite producing milk. I think it was a rough start and it made me nervous for her. But with some excellent guidance from the lactation nurse we were able to cup feed her formula while still working with her on the breastfeeding.

On Wednesday we made an appointment to get her tongue looked at. The surgeon guy rated it a 3 out of 4. Right there in the office they snipped it! Simple procedure. But, the dr said that basically it might not change anything or still take a while to work. Same with all the others warned me. We met with the lactation nurse again she did gain a little. She was down to 6lbs and 110z. I so hoped clipping her tongue fixed the feeding and get her back to weight.

Luckily my milk finally came in. Later on Wednesday I went to try and feed her still with the nipple guard like they suggested but it was only frustrating and finally I tossed it to the side and put her right up to me and she immediately latched on! It worked! SUCCESS!

I absolutely fell in love with breastfeeding. I was so worried about making sure she was being fed that any other fears about it just flew out the window. And now, I actually look forward to feeding her. She is so sweet and special. It is amazing to just snuggle up with her. I love my little girl to pieces and any chance to be that close I will gladly accept it.

The Birth Story

No worries, I will try spare you the gruesome details but I did want to tell the story. It was quite an experience I guess one would say. So after a week of misery and no progression on Wednesday, May 25th, I was told I got to be induced due to the concern of my symptoms and fear it would eventually be preeclampsia. The date was set for me to go in midnight on Friday night. So early Saturday morning. Such an odd time I know but better for insurance purpose. Yay, insurance.

So Friday I hand lunch with my best friend and her family. (Which I am so excited they are moving down close to me!) Then later my mom and I went shopping. I know I should have rested more but it's me. No way. I did however relax the rest of the night. Mainly due to butterflies. I was having a bitter sweet moment. I want the time to come but waiting for it felt more like your waiting for your number to be called sort of feeling. But I realize I was going to miss being pregnant! Silly!

At 11:30 my mom came and got me where I was trying to sleep. We arrived at the hospital at exactly midnight. We got all checked in and changed. I was in a different room that over looked Silverdale and the mountains in the distance. It was very nice. I got all settled in and hooked up. The I.V. took a bit to get in. They tried and failed twice. Guess third time is the charm for sure. After being hooked up I was told about cervadil. I thought they kept saying Silverdale! It was something to go in me with a long string to help me dilate. It was to be in there for 12 hours. My mom soon left because nothing was going to happen that night and if it did she was only five minutes away.

They gave me some morphine and some sort of sleeping drug to help me sleep. It did quite the opposite actually. I was so very loopy! I was aware of every though, muscle movement, sounds with being in this lethargic state. Mom waited to leave until I was asleep which I though I was about to but that is how I was the whole night. So note to self, say no to that cocktail if offered again.

The next morning, despite a yummy breakfast, nothing really happened. Mom arrived about 9am and we just hung out till the nurse came in to check the cervadil and see how far along I was. Yeah. No surprise but I still was not even dilated! But, I was soft enough they could still start me on the pitocin! Yay.

So, at 2 o'clock pm on Saturday they started the inducement. It was strange feeling but they started low doses to work their way up. So I spent the rest of the day just hanging out. Around 6:45 pm I was laying there feeling like I had to pee. Now, getting up and using the bathroom was a challenge and so we decided to wait for the shift change and have the nurse help me with all the hookups and cords. But at one point I was like "man, I don't think I can wait." Then bam! I felt um... embarrassed. I called out to my mom "I think I just peed myself!" I couldn't stop it and so I was like "wait, I think my water just broke!" Oh no! Here it was 7 pm, shift change and not only that they were all in room 1 because of an emergency and here I had no idea what exactly was happening! Few minutes later the nurse came in and sure enough my water had broke so she helped me into the bathroom. No shame at that point.

My Dr. came in at one point that night happy to hear that it had broken because she was preparing to break it for me. For the first time I did something on my own! Yay. But that is when the major contractions started to happen. Wow. They mentioned the epidural. I was good for a while but by 10pm I was very much ready for it! It was crazy feeling getting it put in but after I felt relieved. I slept very well that night.

At 3:30 am Sunday morning though the nurse came in to check my cervix. I was only 1cm dilated! I was like "Are you kidding me?!" They even upped the dose of the pitocin. I felt like I was going to be in labor forever!

I slept for a bit longer and then I was awake around 7 with the next shift change. This is where the nurse Jenica came in. I liked her. I told her I felt different and I felt more pressure down there. She checked my cervix. I was 6cm dilated! FINALLY! I then told her I felt like I had to push. She clapped her hands and said "yay" and then told me NOT to push! I wasn't ready yet. Oh my goodness. That was when the fun really began.

Do you know how hard it is to hold something in? Yeah felt impossible. The one thing that kept running in my mind was "I am going to die if I have to go the whole day like this!" Everyone was excited but the dr was still convinced it was going to be a bit before I was ready to deliver. Jenica was awesome and she kept check my cervix. I was so close. So very close. Finally by 9pm I told her I couldn't not push anymore. So it began. I still wasn't all the way open but we got it to be. It got more intense and I lost sense of time. My dr. was called in and a bunch of other nurses and so the finale was definitely there. It was incredible. My mom was there and got to see the entire thing. They kept telling me to push and push and push and then DON'T PUSH! My baby was born Sunday May 29th, 2011 and 11:11am.

Amazing. The feeling was incredible. My little girl was finally here. My mom got to cut the umbilical chord. Then she was handed to me and she just sweetly looked up at me. I wasn't sure what the feeling I felt at that moment but I realized yesterday it was a feeling of familiarity. It was like I wanted to say "there you are. I've missed you." Like we were connected again. There she was, my little Naomi. Yeah. I cried. Mom cried. The nurse asked my dr if everything was okay and she just said she was just watching us. It was a very special moment. However, I joked five minutes later about how I could do it again.

They took her to clean her while I got stitched up. My first stitches ever! It really hurt actually. But luckily the tear wasn't that bad. My mom was there to help the nurses with the baby and got to put on her diaper.

She was weighed and measured. She was 7lbs 8oz and was 20" long. Still amazed that she was inside of me at that size! She was then placed back into my arms and she just quietly stared at each other. She is so beautiful. I've never been filled with so much happiness and love. At one point a nurse came in and looked at her and very sweetly said "she's a special girl." I wanted to say "you have no idea." I don't remember who it was or what made her say it but it is true. She is a very special girl.

We got to stay in the hospital for a few days. At one point it got scary because she spit up some brown stuff and choked on and it turned blue. I was panicking but I felt peace. I knew all would be okay. But they took her and monitored her. She just has excess stuff in her tummy still. But needless to say I still keep an ever close watch on her. I got many visits from some great friends. But definitely when Tuesday came I was very ready to go home.

Here are some pictures of the event.

This was right after she came out and got her umbilical cut. Yeah. I was crying.

Getting cleaned up.

Grandma putting on her first diaper.

All clean! Found her finger. She was born with a tight frenulum. Got it clipped Wednesday.

This is me getting stitched up! I had to concentrate.
After she was all cleaned and weighed.

Monday. One full day old.
Two Days Old. GOING HOME!

That was Carlita. She was one of our favorite nurses. She was hilarious!

Getting the lojack off so we can take her out!

At Home. Three days old.

Four Days Old.

Feeling Good... and nervous.

I woke up this morning in a really good mood. I don't know if it was because I woke up with out being awoken by something I didn't want to be awoken by or the fact it was the sun coming down on my face warming me up for the day. Whatever the reasons I also realized that it was going to be the last time waking up in my bed at home pregnant and it was a major bitter sweet moment!

Here I was ranting and being sad that I was still pregnant and now the time is approaching for me to be induced and I feel... conflicted! Make up your mind woman! I think also because I have gone to the hospital and OB so many time this last week I was also worried it would be another disappointment! I would get all ready and then they go "sorry, you get to go home!" I can see the happening!

But I know it's not going to happen. I even made my bed this morning so that was all nice and done for when I returned home with my little one. I was doing last minute organizing but my best friend brought me more stuff! Yay! So I get to go through that stuff later.

I have had a really good day, saw my best friend (she had her mom, husband and little adorable twin boys with her too), went clothes shopping with my mom and got some cute clothes, and now I am just relaxing till the time comes.

Here it is about 7:45pm and I get to go in at midnight. I have some major butterflies in my stomach. I know the inducing could take a few days but regardless to think sometime in the next few days for sure I will be holding my little girl makes me really smile.

Can I Throw a Tantrum?

So that title is a bit dramatic. I just never expected the labor part to go this way. You see the cool labor where their water breaks and they are rushed to the hospital in a flurry and excitement.

It really deflates the excitement when you are so far along and not even dilated and people are just waiting around.

You are just waiting around to be induced.

Or the fact I still have to attend school and sit in uncomfortable chairs for four to eight hours a day.

Or the fact I experience these contractions that aren't doing anything.

Or... or... or... sigh...

I think I am going to hide in a hole.

Not Even Dilated!

I know due dates are a "guess" more than a scientific fact. But when numbers add up and ultrasound measures the baby in the 60th percentile when you go past your due date it is a little frustrating.

Here it is the 24th and well, not a sign of true labor. On Sunday I was having contractions 5 min apart for a while but apparently not big enough contractions to do anything because they stopped and then the next morning they started again so I got a little hopeful. I went to my appointment for some hopefully good news. All it felt like was a repeat of the the last three weeks. I was not even dilated! Seriously?!

I wanted to cry. I am in pain, I have had headaches, vision changes, pains in my right side, I am swelling and my blood pressure was a bit up. That totally said "preeclamspia" so I was like great. They sent me to the birthing center where yet again for the third time in a week I was hooked up. This time the baby was pretty active which was kind of fun but I was feeling so depressed it was more annoying. I got some blood drawn, peed in a cup all that fun stuff as well. But, all checked out fine. Still doing the 12-pee test have to bring that in today but I am sure it is all good considering the other symptoms are gone or blood work came back good. Even my OB wasn't exactly sure what to do with me.

I do however, have another appointment on Wednesday to talk about things and possibly inducing I am sure if I am not yet dilated.

I do love my family. I was not very happy but just being around them makes it better. We played games and ate some yummy pudding pie that Brian made. (His graham cracker crust is AMAZING.) But usually I stay really late but last night I was home by 10:30.

I hate to be a downer and I am not trying to be. I really do want to enjoy this last bit but you have to remember that this whole situation as wonderful, beautiful and exciting as it is that part I wanted to experience this with the most is not going to happen and I was okay with it but the more it drags on the more I am struggling with it. Especially seeing the couple walk in yesterday. I wanted to cry. I know I am going to be a good Mom, I know the love and support I have from my family and friends in absolutely amazing and I wouldn't not have even made it without them! So, I don't want to imagine how hard it would be with out everyone caring and loving me so much but it is still difficult.

I think I just so desperately want to hold her and sing to her. I want to wrap her up and tell her everything is going to be okay. It's like something is your reach but not quite reachable. I think the world is ready for her. I suppose I have to wait till she is ready for the world.

40 Weeks.... Due Date

So here it is. Week 40. I am basically due. What a long week it has been. I have to say I've been, okay I would be lying if I said I was being patient. It is definitely difficult to be. I am more than ready to have her so I can get back to school, get mom something to do (she's been hanging out for a week, probably getting bored), give my brother back his place. Just feel stressed by this whole thing. Even when I try and sit back and enjoy it something would happen that would make believe that it is go time. Nope. It's really rather annoying.

Like on Wednesday. Major contractions and then bam...nothing. There has also even been some other prelabor stuff that I was sure would help me move along. I got a non-stress test done and the only thing they said after that is "feel free to go into labor." Yeah. I think I am trying to.

I've walked, bounced on a ball, walked some more... hit every bump in the road possible. Walked some more. Man, walking gets to be very difficult this late in the game!

On top of all this though, I have a cold. So a part of me wants to wait till I get over this cold but without be able to take anything I feel like it will never go away. Plus, mom has two weeks left being here. Would like her to be able to go to her house at one point during these two weeks.

I know everyone is just as anxious as I am but I am also tired of explaining every day that no she is not here yet. Something like this really tests my depression. Luckily I've only had one breakdown this week.

Tomorrow I have my appointment so we shall see what it brings but let us all pray that it is something good like, "hey your dilated lets get you in to labor!" or something neat like that.

I keep telling Naomi that all is safe and good so she shouldn't be afraid to come.

Headache Adventure

At my Monday check-up appointment my OB casually mentioned if I get a headache to go into the birthing center. I did not think anything of it and just shrugged and said okay.

Too my surprise Sunday I woke up with a major headache that was pretty much off and on all day. I was totally conflicted on what to do. I made it through church and when I got to my brother's house my mom was waiting there. I was so excited to see her but my head was hurting so my enthusiasm was limited.

We had a great evening. It was very awesome actually but my headache along with nausea was still present so they all convinced me I should at least call the center and see what they think. After talking to the nurse she said to come in so that they could check my blood pressure. I am thinking, fine, simple enough my blood pressure is fine go back to brother's and enjoy a game of Bananagrams.

My mom and I went to the center and everything happened so quickly next thing I know I am in Room 1, the triage room, dressed down into a hospital garb, peed into a cup and sitting there waiting. So very confusing. My mom and I both had this look of "We just want blood pressure checked."

Finally the nurse arrived and she hooked me up this awesome machine in the most awkward position! It was these little devices that checked contractions and the baby's heartbeat. She also hooked me up to a machine that every 3 to 5 minutes it checked my blood pressure. Wow. What a weird feeling! My blood pressure started little high but not scary high but then by the end I think I was about at 122 over 68. Normal. Whew. Pee was normal too. Whew. So I was happy to hear that everything was fine but my head was still pounding.

It was amazing though that when the baby moved I would get strange pains and there was something my mom was looking at that a little dial was moving when that happened. Apparently those indeed were contractions. It was crazy to hear the movements and the baby's heartbeat on the monitor.

We were there for a while because the Dr there was helping with a C-Section. Hope that delivery went well. Finally the Dr came in and it was hilarious. I was so thrown off by the leprechaun looking old man with big ears and black rimmed glasses that when he asked me a question about my headache all I did was... stupidly smile! Finally getting over the surprised leprechaun Doc I told him headache still the same. He said he had some strong meds for me to take and then breifly mentioned my contractions weren't strong enough so everything was good and they were sending me home. The nurse came in and they had a pill for me to take, which at that point after waking up at 3am and enduring this headache all day I was very happy to take, I took the pill signed the papers, got the prescription and soon enough I was out the door. But looking down at my prescription was the word Vicodin!

Well, dang. That meant I had to go home from there instead of hangout more at my brothers. Just as well since I didn't have the baby that meant school in the morning anyway. I was happy to find out that all was well and these are just headaches. Yeah, I woke up with another one this morning. Yipee. But luckily I have my OB appointment today. I did do what she asked!

We will see what this week brings. I feel like it could happen any day now! I was hoping last night was it but at the same time I was making jokes about what a silly birth story about going to the hospital because of a headache. Although, now having write it out it was rather interesting. Plus on top of randomly finally meeting my friend's roommate was kind of an interesting night!

Here is a cell phone pic, yes mom I am sharing, that my mom took. Although it matched how I was feeling it was not why I was in this "woe is me" position. This is actually because my mom tried to take my picture with my old school phone by looking in the camera lens instead of at the screen. It me groan and laugh that she can use her high tech smart i-stuff but had a hard time using my old school stuff.

Now Please?

Technically I have one week to go till my due date of May 23rd. However, from the very beginning I have always had about the 16th in my head. Honestly, I so hope she comes today.

Every day it gets harder to move, eat, breath, sleep. Yeah. I am ready for her to come. Also, my mom is home so the baby definitely can come now!

Although, I will definitely miss sitting there and all of a sudden watching my belly do some crazy wave or see a bump where her foot is. I would always express "goodness gracious, little one" when the movements were extreme. It was always fun.

All in all I think I had a fairly good and easy pregnancy. It was hard at times but more so emotionally than physically. I definitely had some major ups and downs but now that it is close to the end I am feel more ups than downs. I feel very blessed by some of the decisions I have made and some of the amazing people who are in my life. It seems like everyone wants to be there and help me out and I feel so humbled by their love and support.

I have mixed feelings about this soon coming to an end. It was one crazy ride but I am looking forward to her coming. It will be like chapter two of the journey!

I am scared, anxious, excited, nervous, hopeful... so many more emotions. At the moment however, excited is the top of my list. Even without getting good sleep.

So, lets hold our breath and see what the next week brings! Yay!

38 Weeks and Mother's Day

I would have to honestly say at one point I absolutely hated Mother's Day. Especially going to church on that day. Not because I hated my Mom or moms at all but it always reminded me of something that I felt like I would never have and it was painful. I remember when I got to celebrate my first Mother's Day. My ex actually made it very special too. I also remember what it felt like when I did not have my foster children anymore and it felt like I was back to the sadness that was not a mom anymore and it was another painful day. I tried to understand and feel some kind of acceptance on that day but it really was difficult.

I have to admit I am looking forward to this day in a different way. But, my heart goes out to those who have to endure it differently. I know what they are thinking and I feel for them. I also want them to not give up hope and remember that this is a special day for them too. To appreciate their own mothers and remember that there are many aspects and many ways to be a mom. Like being an aunt or to those fur-babies. Seriously, taking care of animals sometimes didn't feel any different, they need just as much love and care and those who have them definitely should be considered a mother.

However, this is something that I didn't quite understand until last year and it changed my perspective. Also remember that today is to appreciate Mothers throughout the world. Because they are special and they have a great responsibility. I think it is crucial for us who are not mothers remind them how special and lucky they are to have that amazing responsibility. I know I am now about to be a mom but I hope those who are not yet or desire to be such remind me, even beyond mother's day the responsibility that I have. I am probably just spouting off and not making any sense I just want those who feel the sadness of today think of it in a different way to help them make it through days like today.

I also want to talk about my mom. I remember at one point because I didn't understand her or what she was going through that I hated her. I know hate is such a strong word but we had a difficult time at one point and it saddens me that we went through that. Now, my mom and I are like best friends. She is definitely my best friend. She knows everything about me inside and out and more importantly she understands me and I her. I love it. I love her wisdom and guidance. I hope that my daughter and I can have that same relationship.

Here I am at 38 weeks. Waiting for the moment I go into labor and fully get to be a mom again. Being a mom to those boys was the most amazing thing I was able to do and the thought of doing it again truly makes me happy in my heart. I have so many perspectives and so many great women in my life that I can look up to.

Happy Mother's Day to all. I wish them the very best and hope they remember what great and important responsibility they have been blessed with.