Feeling Good... and nervous.

I woke up this morning in a really good mood. I don't know if it was because I woke up with out being awoken by something I didn't want to be awoken by or the fact it was the sun coming down on my face warming me up for the day. Whatever the reasons I also realized that it was going to be the last time waking up in my bed at home pregnant and it was a major bitter sweet moment!

Here I was ranting and being sad that I was still pregnant and now the time is approaching for me to be induced and I feel... conflicted! Make up your mind woman! I think also because I have gone to the hospital and OB so many time this last week I was also worried it would be another disappointment! I would get all ready and then they go "sorry, you get to go home!" I can see the happening!

But I know it's not going to happen. I even made my bed this morning so that was all nice and done for when I returned home with my little one. I was doing last minute organizing but my best friend brought me more stuff! Yay! So I get to go through that stuff later.

I have had a really good day, saw my best friend (she had her mom, husband and little adorable twin boys with her too), went clothes shopping with my mom and got some cute clothes, and now I am just relaxing till the time comes.

Here it is about 7:45pm and I get to go in at midnight. I have some major butterflies in my stomach. I know the inducing could take a few days but regardless to think sometime in the next few days for sure I will be holding my little girl makes me really smile.

Can I Throw a Tantrum?

So that title is a bit dramatic. I just never expected the labor part to go this way. You see the cool labor where their water breaks and they are rushed to the hospital in a flurry and excitement.

It really deflates the excitement when you are so far along and not even dilated and people are just waiting around.

You are just waiting around to be induced.

Or the fact I still have to attend school and sit in uncomfortable chairs for four to eight hours a day.

Or the fact I experience these contractions that aren't doing anything.

Or... or... or... sigh...

I think I am going to hide in a hole.

Not Even Dilated!

I know due dates are a "guess" more than a scientific fact. But when numbers add up and ultrasound measures the baby in the 60th percentile when you go past your due date it is a little frustrating.

Here it is the 24th and well, not a sign of true labor. On Sunday I was having contractions 5 min apart for a while but apparently not big enough contractions to do anything because they stopped and then the next morning they started again so I got a little hopeful. I went to my appointment for some hopefully good news. All it felt like was a repeat of the the last three weeks. I was not even dilated! Seriously?!

I wanted to cry. I am in pain, I have had headaches, vision changes, pains in my right side, I am swelling and my blood pressure was a bit up. That totally said "preeclamspia" so I was like great. They sent me to the birthing center where yet again for the third time in a week I was hooked up. This time the baby was pretty active which was kind of fun but I was feeling so depressed it was more annoying. I got some blood drawn, peed in a cup all that fun stuff as well. But, all checked out fine. Still doing the 12-pee test have to bring that in today but I am sure it is all good considering the other symptoms are gone or blood work came back good. Even my OB wasn't exactly sure what to do with me.

I do however, have another appointment on Wednesday to talk about things and possibly inducing I am sure if I am not yet dilated.

I do love my family. I was not very happy but just being around them makes it better. We played games and ate some yummy pudding pie that Brian made. (His graham cracker crust is AMAZING.) But usually I stay really late but last night I was home by 10:30.

I hate to be a downer and I am not trying to be. I really do want to enjoy this last bit but you have to remember that this whole situation as wonderful, beautiful and exciting as it is that part I wanted to experience this with the most is not going to happen and I was okay with it but the more it drags on the more I am struggling with it. Especially seeing the couple walk in yesterday. I wanted to cry. I know I am going to be a good Mom, I know the love and support I have from my family and friends in absolutely amazing and I wouldn't not have even made it without them! So, I don't want to imagine how hard it would be with out everyone caring and loving me so much but it is still difficult.

I think I just so desperately want to hold her and sing to her. I want to wrap her up and tell her everything is going to be okay. It's like something is your reach but not quite reachable. I think the world is ready for her. I suppose I have to wait till she is ready for the world.

40 Weeks.... Due Date

So here it is. Week 40. I am basically due. What a long week it has been. I have to say I've been, okay I would be lying if I said I was being patient. It is definitely difficult to be. I am more than ready to have her so I can get back to school, get mom something to do (she's been hanging out for a week, probably getting bored), give my brother back his place. Just feel stressed by this whole thing. Even when I try and sit back and enjoy it something would happen that would make believe that it is go time. Nope. It's really rather annoying.

Like on Wednesday. Major contractions and then bam...nothing. There has also even been some other prelabor stuff that I was sure would help me move along. I got a non-stress test done and the only thing they said after that is "feel free to go into labor." Yeah. I think I am trying to.

I've walked, bounced on a ball, walked some more... hit every bump in the road possible. Walked some more. Man, walking gets to be very difficult this late in the game!

On top of all this though, I have a cold. So a part of me wants to wait till I get over this cold but without be able to take anything I feel like it will never go away. Plus, mom has two weeks left being here. Would like her to be able to go to her house at one point during these two weeks.

I know everyone is just as anxious as I am but I am also tired of explaining every day that no she is not here yet. Something like this really tests my depression. Luckily I've only had one breakdown this week.

Tomorrow I have my appointment so we shall see what it brings but let us all pray that it is something good like, "hey your dilated lets get you in to labor!" or something neat like that.

I keep telling Naomi that all is safe and good so she shouldn't be afraid to come.

Headache Adventure

At my Monday check-up appointment my OB casually mentioned if I get a headache to go into the birthing center. I did not think anything of it and just shrugged and said okay.

Too my surprise Sunday I woke up with a major headache that was pretty much off and on all day. I was totally conflicted on what to do. I made it through church and when I got to my brother's house my mom was waiting there. I was so excited to see her but my head was hurting so my enthusiasm was limited.

We had a great evening. It was very awesome actually but my headache along with nausea was still present so they all convinced me I should at least call the center and see what they think. After talking to the nurse she said to come in so that they could check my blood pressure. I am thinking, fine, simple enough my blood pressure is fine go back to brother's and enjoy a game of Bananagrams.

My mom and I went to the center and everything happened so quickly next thing I know I am in Room 1, the triage room, dressed down into a hospital garb, peed into a cup and sitting there waiting. So very confusing. My mom and I both had this look of "We just want blood pressure checked."

Finally the nurse arrived and she hooked me up this awesome machine in the most awkward position! It was these little devices that checked contractions and the baby's heartbeat. She also hooked me up to a machine that every 3 to 5 minutes it checked my blood pressure. Wow. What a weird feeling! My blood pressure started little high but not scary high but then by the end I think I was about at 122 over 68. Normal. Whew. Pee was normal too. Whew. So I was happy to hear that everything was fine but my head was still pounding.

It was amazing though that when the baby moved I would get strange pains and there was something my mom was looking at that a little dial was moving when that happened. Apparently those indeed were contractions. It was crazy to hear the movements and the baby's heartbeat on the monitor.

We were there for a while because the Dr there was helping with a C-Section. Hope that delivery went well. Finally the Dr came in and it was hilarious. I was so thrown off by the leprechaun looking old man with big ears and black rimmed glasses that when he asked me a question about my headache all I did was... stupidly smile! Finally getting over the surprised leprechaun Doc I told him headache still the same. He said he had some strong meds for me to take and then breifly mentioned my contractions weren't strong enough so everything was good and they were sending me home. The nurse came in and they had a pill for me to take, which at that point after waking up at 3am and enduring this headache all day I was very happy to take, I took the pill signed the papers, got the prescription and soon enough I was out the door. But looking down at my prescription was the word Vicodin!

Well, dang. That meant I had to go home from there instead of hangout more at my brothers. Just as well since I didn't have the baby that meant school in the morning anyway. I was happy to find out that all was well and these are just headaches. Yeah, I woke up with another one this morning. Yipee. But luckily I have my OB appointment today. I did do what she asked!

We will see what this week brings. I feel like it could happen any day now! I was hoping last night was it but at the same time I was making jokes about what a silly birth story about going to the hospital because of a headache. Although, now having write it out it was rather interesting. Plus on top of randomly finally meeting my friend's roommate was kind of an interesting night!

Here is a cell phone pic, yes mom I am sharing, that my mom took. Although it matched how I was feeling it was not why I was in this "woe is me" position. This is actually because my mom tried to take my picture with my old school phone by looking in the camera lens instead of at the screen. It me groan and laugh that she can use her high tech smart i-stuff but had a hard time using my old school stuff.

Now Please?

Technically I have one week to go till my due date of May 23rd. However, from the very beginning I have always had about the 16th in my head. Honestly, I so hope she comes today.

Every day it gets harder to move, eat, breath, sleep. Yeah. I am ready for her to come. Also, my mom is home so the baby definitely can come now!

Although, I will definitely miss sitting there and all of a sudden watching my belly do some crazy wave or see a bump where her foot is. I would always express "goodness gracious, little one" when the movements were extreme. It was always fun.

All in all I think I had a fairly good and easy pregnancy. It was hard at times but more so emotionally than physically. I definitely had some major ups and downs but now that it is close to the end I am feel more ups than downs. I feel very blessed by some of the decisions I have made and some of the amazing people who are in my life. It seems like everyone wants to be there and help me out and I feel so humbled by their love and support.

I have mixed feelings about this soon coming to an end. It was one crazy ride but I am looking forward to her coming. It will be like chapter two of the journey!

I am scared, anxious, excited, nervous, hopeful... so many more emotions. At the moment however, excited is the top of my list. Even without getting good sleep.

So, lets hold our breath and see what the next week brings! Yay!

38 Weeks and Mother's Day

I would have to honestly say at one point I absolutely hated Mother's Day. Especially going to church on that day. Not because I hated my Mom or moms at all but it always reminded me of something that I felt like I would never have and it was painful. I remember when I got to celebrate my first Mother's Day. My ex actually made it very special too. I also remember what it felt like when I did not have my foster children anymore and it felt like I was back to the sadness that was not a mom anymore and it was another painful day. I tried to understand and feel some kind of acceptance on that day but it really was difficult.

I have to admit I am looking forward to this day in a different way. But, my heart goes out to those who have to endure it differently. I know what they are thinking and I feel for them. I also want them to not give up hope and remember that this is a special day for them too. To appreciate their own mothers and remember that there are many aspects and many ways to be a mom. Like being an aunt or to those fur-babies. Seriously, taking care of animals sometimes didn't feel any different, they need just as much love and care and those who have them definitely should be considered a mother.

However, this is something that I didn't quite understand until last year and it changed my perspective. Also remember that today is to appreciate Mothers throughout the world. Because they are special and they have a great responsibility. I think it is crucial for us who are not mothers remind them how special and lucky they are to have that amazing responsibility. I know I am now about to be a mom but I hope those who are not yet or desire to be such remind me, even beyond mother's day the responsibility that I have. I am probably just spouting off and not making any sense I just want those who feel the sadness of today think of it in a different way to help them make it through days like today.

I also want to talk about my mom. I remember at one point because I didn't understand her or what she was going through that I hated her. I know hate is such a strong word but we had a difficult time at one point and it saddens me that we went through that. Now, my mom and I are like best friends. She is definitely my best friend. She knows everything about me inside and out and more importantly she understands me and I her. I love it. I love her wisdom and guidance. I hope that my daughter and I can have that same relationship.

Here I am at 38 weeks. Waiting for the moment I go into labor and fully get to be a mom again. Being a mom to those boys was the most amazing thing I was able to do and the thought of doing it again truly makes me happy in my heart. I have so many perspectives and so many great women in my life that I can look up to.

Happy Mother's Day to all. I wish them the very best and hope they remember what great and important responsibility they have been blessed with.

The Go Ahead

I thought something major was going to happen this weekend. To be honest I thought it was going to be me going into labor. Something major did happen. History was indeed made Sunday which is kind of eerie that I had yet another feeling. (Check out my blog entry Intuition...Or Something Like It.) I don't really want to go into detail about that really, but I just hope that everyone understands the impact that the event has on the entire world. Sunday is going to be something that my daughter will learn about in her history class. It also told me to trust my intuition once more. To be honest as Sunday was ending I did feel a little sad that nothing had yet happened. I did bare my testimony at church which surprised not only me but the amazing friend's I have made there. It was short and to the point but very much needed to be expressed. Something major did happen and all the more reason to listen to my intuition.

As I mentioned in my last blog I was way prepared for this baby to come. I felt, however, after expressing my love and appreciation for Heavenly Father and the power of the atonement, I feel spiritually ready. I also realized that since going back to church I felt the most content I have in a very long time.

I thought the baby would be here sooner than later because I was extremely hyper and crazy active getting things done. Now I am extremely tired and wish to sleep all the time. School has restarted back up and I am nervous how I will get it all done but I know I must press on. School is important. I am sure I will be able to do it. Finding someone to watch my baby while I go is the biggest issue but I have a feeling that is resolved as well.

I had another check-up at the OB yesterday, which will be happening once a week till baby comes. But the doc gave me the go ahead to go into labor. Size, weight, blood pressure, her heartbeat, and being over 37 weeks I am in the green to go. I told her though it cannot happen for another two weeks till my mom gets here. Hopefully, the baby feels the same way. I have a feeling she wants her Grandma there for the arrival.

Let the waiting game begin!

37 Weeks

I don't know if I am nesting or the fact I am being me. Everyone who knows me knows that I hate not being prepared. I have to make sure everything is packed days before I take a long trip, if someone is coming here I like to prepare for it, if an event or party is happening I want to be way prepared. I like my space to be neat, organized and clutter free. (You should see my room.) I hate being caught off guard at the last minute. If only I could fully apply that to my school work.

Right now, my bags are packed, the room is ready and everything is in a pile ready to grab for when I go into labor. The weird thing is the last few days I have been extremely hyper and going mad taking care of all this. I made sure my rooms and bathroom are clean and organized. Clothes are washed and put away ready to use. I would not be in any sort of panic at all. I love it. I know I would have had this all prepared anyway it was just weird and unexpected the crazy burst of energy these last few days and how I got extremely hyper.

Today, however, I think I could sleep all day long! Where did that energy go I wonder? Although, I think being this prepared has just made me anxious for it to happen. I am ready so really, I want her to come, like now.

This last week I have gone from, extremely tired to extreme energy, left hand hurts like I bruised it, major swelling, had crazy backaches and braxton hick contractions, crazy heartburn that made me want to pass out, extremely bloated and nauseousness, and now back to being tired. We shall see what the next week brings!

Speaking of I do start school again next week. Looking over the books I received thankfully the math is pretty basic compared to what math class I took last. Whew. And the others seem fairly easy to understand so I am not at all worried about being able to keep up or get ahead with school considering I am going to be taking a month off from going. We shall see. I hope the instructors I have not met yet are going to be willing to work with me!

So here is to another week of pregnancy maybe? Well, if it doesn't happen today it can't happen for another two weeks because well, I really want my mom to be there!