I know due dates are a "guess" more than a scientific fact. But when numbers add up and ultrasound measures the baby in the 60th percentile when you go past your due date it is a little frustrating.
Here it is the 24th and well, not a sign of true labor. On Sunday I was having contractions 5 min apart for a while but apparently not big enough contractions to do anything because they stopped and then the next morning they started again so I got a little hopeful. I went to my appointment for some hopefully good news. All it felt like was a repeat of the the last three weeks. I was not even dilated! Seriously?!
I wanted to cry. I am in pain, I have had headaches, vision changes, pains in my right side, I am swelling and my blood pressure was a bit up. That totally said "preeclamspia" so I was like great. They sent me to the birthing center where yet again for the third time in a week I was hooked up. This time the baby was pretty active which was kind of fun but I was feeling so depressed it was more annoying. I got some blood drawn, peed in a cup all that fun stuff as well. But, all checked out fine. Still doing the 12-pee test have to bring that in today but I am sure it is all good considering the other symptoms are gone or blood work came back good. Even my OB wasn't exactly sure what to do with me.
I do however, have another appointment on Wednesday to talk about things and possibly inducing I am sure if I am not yet dilated.
I do love my family. I was not very happy but just being around them makes it better. We played games and ate some yummy pudding pie that Brian made. (His graham cracker crust is AMAZING.) But usually I stay really late but last night I was home by 10:30.
I hate to be a downer and I am not trying to be. I really do want to enjoy this last bit but you have to remember that this whole situation as wonderful, beautiful and exciting as it is that part I wanted to experience this with the most is not going to happen and I was okay with it but the more it drags on the more I am struggling with it. Especially seeing the couple walk in yesterday. I wanted to cry. I know I am going to be a good Mom, I know the love and support I have from my family and friends in absolutely amazing and I wouldn't not have even made it without them! So, I don't want to imagine how hard it would be with out everyone caring and loving me so much but it is still difficult.
I think I just so desperately want to hold her and sing to her. I want to wrap her up and tell her everything is going to be okay. It's like something is your reach but not quite reachable. I think the world is ready for her. I suppose I have to wait till she is ready for the world.
Life is difficult. I think this is your very first lesson - nothing is going to work out quite like you want it to. It's an ongoing lesson, one that I am STILL learning, but I learned it BIG TIME this year. ;) She can feel your depression and anxiety. Relax a little bit and maybe she will relax as well - and come out!!!!! Feel free to start singing to her NOW, she can totally hear you! You'll hold her soon. Hang in there. Love you!
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