You Look Pregnant...

Sunday I went into work feeling exhausted and just weirdly plain pregnant. I didn't want to be there I still wanted to be at home sleeping in my bed dreaming even though it was about recruiting1980's toys (like Rainbow Bright dolls and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle toys) that were life-size and alive to join my Glee club. I think exhaustion, moodiness and just feeling plain pregnant was completely setting in.

When my co-worker/friend saw me her first response was "you look pregnant."I thought before when someone said that to me I would be offended and freak out but instead I was like "yes, well I feel pregnant!" Which was the complete truth, in every which way I felt emotionally and physically pregnant that day and then it strangely occurred to me that I was now 6 months pregnant! So I better look and feel that way in my opinion!

But then at the same time I was also surprised and shocked it was already 6 months. I also think that explains my recent explosion of emotions and today feeling completely off my game. It seems as though anything I try and do is awkward weird and I just want to cry about it! It probably explains my less desire to work at a retail store being on my feet and working freight for little or no money and my lack of feeling motivated to do anything.

Tonight was an explosion to the point where I just finally said, "screw it" and cuddled on the couch to watch "Will and Grace" with my awesome roomie. (It's her favorite show so I have to see why!) Which by the way she was so sweet with my little rants and... well... fight with a baby swing trying to get it out of my way... oh and when I tried to hang a picture up. Oh yeah and not to forget feeling for me and asking me if I did get something to eat when I burned my pot stickers... oh yeah and her amazing input of ideas for my storytelling project. Sigh. I love that woman.

So what does this mean for my future? I am not sure. I have had a lot of surprises this week and partly makes me scared and nervous for the future but I can't help but feel okay about how things are going to turn out either. I guess because despite everything that has happened in my life I am still okay. I just don't want to focus on the hard parts which is so easy to do. So here it goes looking up and pressing forward. If I give up now what kind of mom would that make me?

Dating...?

I know it's been a few days since I posted anything but there has been a lot on my mind. Especially this last week. I know this blog would happen eventually. Considering it is a huge topic of concern for a single mom.

Dating.

Granted. I have not had the best track record. But isn't that why they call it dating? Don't you go on a dates to see if this person is the one? I know I tend to jump all the way in full force and that backfires because I think I put too much hope and trust in the person. And well, to be honest... I think I've been burned because here I am about to be single mom. Isn't that a big enough consequence?

I am fully aware that my actions here on out will have a direct consequence to someone more important than myself. My daughter.

But does that mean I have to ignore it when a guy asks me out? Or turn him down when he decides to go in for a kiss? I am a pregnant woman (or soon to be mom) so it is nice when a guy who is attracted to me wants to kiss me! I am still a single woman! As my roommate put it "you're not dead." But unfortunately any guy I decide to date I am fully ready for them to change their mind. I am trying to make it through dating and my situation with less drama as possible too.

Dating was complicated before because of still hurting over certain past events and adding the thought in back of my mind "is this guy going to be good as a father for my daughter?" just makes it more difficult and harder for me. Her happiness is just as important as mine when it comes to fully letting a man into my life as a potential father and husband.

I think about this every night as I lay down alone and feel her kicking and moving around with no one to turn to and say "Oh my gosh, feel this!" and share that excitement. I am not looking for a pitty party, I know I have friends and roommates who like to feel but it is different when it your significant other, but I think I am fully aware of where I am at and what decisions I am making.

So please, have a little bit of faith in me. I know, you love me, whatever. But here it is flat out for everyone to read. I am not stupid and lot more resilient than you think. I own up to my decisions and if I didn't want the best for my daughter I wouldn't have made some already difficult decisions. I am not putting myself out there but I am not going to turn down a date or a kiss either.

We all deserve our chance at love and happiness and that includes taking those risks of handing our heart out there at any point in our life.

Registry...awkward!

I have been asked many time what it is that I need for the baby or what do I have. I have said a few things but I wasn't sure. So, I've been thinking about what I needed, at the same time it is weird because when I became a foster parent I had to buy everything before the baby was born. So to tell people what I want for this little one and now knowing it is a girl it is easy to say "girl stuff!" But that just includes mostly the color pink.

Now, I am an artist so it's not like that I am hating pink and there is a certain shade of pink that I do enjoy. (More the darker pinks rather than the light baby pink.) Yup. I hate to be prejudice against the pinks. I am excited to find out I am having a girl but then I am nervous by the fact I am having a girl her entire room, clothing and other item ensembles will be an EXPLOSION of that light baby pastel pink. My mom can attest to it that she had tried to make me love that pink growing up, I love you Mom but I still shudder at the idea of my entirely pink and white bedroom.

Those who know me know that although I definitely feminine in my own way I am not overly girly, if that is such a word. My tastes range on darker and warmer colors than the lighter cooler colors. I do love the browns and pinks together with that teal and lime green thrown in. Guess I should have been a mom in the 70's?

I have attached a picture of something that I found that I absolutely love! It is a diaper bag by Lisa Lowe and her line of products called Sugarbooger. To me Lisa Lowe got it right, it is cute and fun without being overly girly and cliched pretty pinks that just make me want to shudder and vomit. She has a huge variety of designs from robots to owls and the alphabet. Here is a picture of a diaper bag that I want to buy (or if someone wants to buy it for me.)



I know what you are thinking, skulls for a girl? Really? Yes, really! They are cute and fun! If I am going to be toting around a bag I am the one looking at it and using it, yes? So this brings my to the problem of making a gift registry and feeling too picky and scared that things are going to end up being too pink and too girly. I just may have to hold my breath and just remind myself that whatever someone is willing to give me and my baby I will ever be so grateful for because I know she and I are getting this stuff to help us because we are loved and people want to help out. It doesn't matter if it's pastel baby pink or not.

What the heartburn!? (little bit of a rant)

I felt like I've been pretty lucky during this pregnancy thus far. I mean, yeah okay, I was nauseous almost the entire first half of my pregnancy which was not fun but when I discovered as long as I ate SOMETHING every two hours I was fine. (Thanks to suggestion of my friend, who ironically helped me with my clothes and she hasn't had children yet, something tells me she will be great when she gets pregnant!) I pretty much have only had one thing that made me sick smelling and that was hardboiled eggs. So all in all eating anything was pretty much okay.

Until now. Oh my goodness the heartburn!

I had a strange night last night besides the fact I was completely shoved up into the corner of my bed, mainly because my kitty slept with me last night, but I woke up actually feeling, well very pregnant. I think Naomi grew during the night and pushed out my tummy a little more! But I woke up practically starving, I am not talking like the hunger pains starving where it hurts but you know the type where you are just craving that food like you have never craved before. I ended up eating two english muffins and three bowls of cereal! (Now that I discovered I can drink Lactose Free milk I am drinking milk like mad!) But even then I still craved food. But I had to get ready for work but I have been eating non stop all day from crackers, to PB&J sandwiches and more!

Sounds wonderful right?

WRONG!

Everything I eat no matter what has given me heartburn! Even when I don't eat I am having heartburn. Oh joy. So I guess I traded the nauseousness for heartburn I suppose.

Well, I found myself in a bit of a conundrum. I really wanted some pickles you see, I like pickles anyway but then I knew the pickles would possibly cause heartburn. But I didn't want to finish off the pickles knowing I would have an attack of heartburn and my roommate she suggested drinking milk earlier to help.

So here I am caught. It's almost a pickles and ice cream moment.

Faith

I found out the gender on Thursday, January 6th. Thursday was a special day over all. It was a day for a very fond memory from three years ago so I was happy to spend it thinking about my baby and finding out it's gender.

I hardly slept the night before and luckily my dreams were about playing PS2 games, specifically SSX3 and Star Wars Battlefront. (Man, I want to play those right now!) But needless to say you think I would have been at the office door before it opened like a teenage girl waiting for the twentieth Twilight book to come out. But me still being me we were 5 minutes late. I say we, my best guy friend/housemate came with me for moral support.

The lady was really great, the ultrasound technician I suppose is what she is called? She asked right away if I wanted to know the gender and I said "YES" quite exuberantly. This was it, I was getting to see my baby and know for sure what gender I felt it was.

It was amazing.

I can't describe it fully but if you have the chance to see it as a witness or be a mom and witness it first hand you would not be disappointed. Watching it move and feeling it at the same time was just plain... amazing. I actually started to get teary eyed! The baby moved a lot which was awesome and it was fun hearing things being pointed out like the brain, the blood flow, the hands and feet. The baby moved it's hands, I swear it was waving at me! Then the technician pointed out some crazy anatomy followed by "...make it a girl." I definitely had tears fall then.

Now, I have to do a bit of explanation that is definitely personal but it explains a whole lot and I would like to share it with you because it is to me, very beautiful. I had an special experience where I knew I would have at least three children. Two non biological boys and the third I would conceive and carry and her name would be Naomi. I was a mother to two beautiful foster boys, whom I still call my sons even though they are adopted into other wonderful families, so I knew someday I would conceive and carry a girl named Naomi. I based my faith on this. I know some say faith is more but it was all I had for a time and those who really know me know the importance of holding onto this tiny bit of faith. Oddly enough the story of Naomi in the bible in the Book of Ruth was quite close to the story of me and how I felt about God. Well, after an intense conversation with my mom in August I almost thought that last bit of faith was going to be lost. There were some words said at a certain place and so when my mom and I were talking about it I told her that someday having Naomi was the last bit of faith I had left and if God took that from me then I knew I couldn't believe in him anymore. It wasn't a threat but more of a worry. I knew I wasn't perfect but there was so much I was struggling with so I had to hold on to something.

When I got pregnant unexpectedly and unconventionally despite so many things, how I felt and decisions I made I knew deep down that baby just had to be Naomi. Don't get me wrong, boy or girl, I still would be just as thrilled and excited, but something inside told me it had to be her. The technician even made sure she was 99% certain it is a girl and said she was only wrong once in 27 years and that was when she did make sure she was 99% certain. (Plus the ultrasound picture looks like a girl if you ask me.)

So it seemed fitting that not only do I name her Naomi as I was told to do 6 years ago but also her middle name be Faith. She has certainly restored my faith in God, divine knowledge and guidance. She is such a special spirit to me just like my two boys. I am not saying it going to be easy and I am going to completely believe right away but I do know its helped me want to believe again for sure.

I know this blog was pretty intense and I hope you don't take my words lightly or judge me. I've shared a lot in this blog that is personal and special so I hope it inspires you and helps you understand where I am coming from and the importance of this baby to me. She isn't just a baby or biological form. She is a Daughter of God sent to me that I must raise, and teach and care for. I will help Naomi see and understand the world, love and as well as know God and have her decide for herself what she will believe in.

I cannot wait for Naomi Faith to enter this beautiful world.

School, Movements and Maternity Clothes

I've been without internet for a few days and will be tillthe end of the week. Luckily for me school has started not a moment too soon!

I've thought about things I would write about in my next blog but granted as I sit here for the next half hour waiting for my last class of the day to start I can't think of anything! School is going to be interesting this year. I have 6 classes two of which are in the evening which are Anthropology and Visual Communications class. Other classes include Video 1, Digital Photography 1, English Comp II, and Graphic Design. Heavy load for sure. Video was today and practically peed my pants in excitement! It totally rememinded me of High School when I wanted to be a filmmaker. Plus, most of my classes it is only me and two other students. That will be nice.

I think the baby is just as excited. I cannot believe how much it is moving around! It is insane! I was riding in my friends truck when I suddenly felt a major movement! It was as if the baby did a kung fu action kick on me. I was laughing so hard. I am sure it was felt on the outside! All day today it has been just as active. I think it thinks since I am sitting stationary it's turn to move. I've always been on the move I suppose my baby is seeing to it I stay that way. It did help keep me awake in English Comp class. I was jarred awake by a little punch or kick in my stomach. Taking my brother's place I suppose since I don't have him to keep me awake this semester as he is in different classes and times.

I am however thankful for all the support I keep recieving. One friend in particular dragged me into to the Motherhood store and at least try the maternity clothes. I know I mentioned them in my last blog but to be honest I was avoiding them. (One other friend after not seeing me for a few weeks told me she could tell I was looking pregnant but I just thought I was still just fat.) So here I was at the Motherhood store in the mall with my friend and she was helping me find clothes along with the store associate. I was still trying to drag my feet and with their cute little nudgings I ended up in the dressing room with shirts and pants. (At this point I was wearing my Lane Bryant size 18 jeans unbuttoned.) I decided to try on the pants first.

I squeeled!

They were so amazing and comfortable! I did not want to take them off! The associate took the tags from them and let me keep them on! How awesomely sweet of her. They felt so amazing! I am still wearing them. I also tried on some great shirts as well. Modeling them for my roommate later she told me that I looked so much better. And better yet... it totally shows that I am not fat but indeed a pregnant belly is growing. Here is a lame cell phone picture!

Here I am in 2011, pregnant and starting my Junior year of school getting closer to graduating. I am now living in a house with two of my most favorite people! I am feeling happy and excited. Still some anxieties and things to work out but all is good.