A Change...

Looking through my old posts I feel like I have progressed and retracted even worse some things I feel like I am in the exact same position.

However, I think that it isn't entirely a bad thing. Just means I haven't made certain things a priority, because other things were.

I am going to admit something to the entire world. Since my pre-pregancy weight I have gained 85 pounds. WOW. I feel clumbsy, awkward and depressed. I thought maybe it was what I was eating, granted I haven't made the best eating choices and I love my Mt. Dew, however, a lot of it is because I don't eat enough and what I ate wasn't exactly the best thing for me. When I counted calories some day I only consumed 600!

I also have a water retention issue so half of the month I feel even more heavy and more awkward. I knew there was a problem and I thought I was doing everything I could. But, now that school is over and I have a moment to breathe I realize that I honestly didn't do enough. In July I lost 12lbs but it wasn't the good way and my doctor actually didn't like it. She said it was too fast and not the right way.

It has been nice now that school is done. Yay. The last four days in a row I have been doing some sort of physical activity. I feel much better, happier and I love how I feel afterwards. I am going to make it a goal to be a size 16, maybe 14, by the end of the year. There is another certain goal I have in mind and I am also wanting to wear this beautiful dress for that goal. (No, not getting married!) I am currently a size 18/20. I think if I continue a good eating habit, do a daily workout and every night do crunches I think that should easy be obtainable. I have no excuses and nothing to stop me.

I am not doing this for anyone but me and to avoid any possible health issues. I have a goal to do some backpacking next year, more than just hiking trip. So here it goes .

Today also would have been my nine year anniversary if I was still married. Interesting I barely gave it a thought. Just more like, a nostalgic sneeze. The more I grow the more I realize what I learned from it and what I want as I start my dating life again!

End of a College Era

Thursday, August 9th, 2012 I walked out the door from Northwest College of Art and Design as a student. There was no fan fare, there was no marching band, no doves fluttering in the background. However, I walked out with someone who I now consider a best friend. We talked about how weird it was. It was almost too quite. It felt because of what had happened these last three and half years there should have been some kind of procession as we walked out. It was three straight years of blood, sweat, massive amount of tears for school with only two to three week breaks.

That morning I actually cried while I was driving to work, I work for a non-profit organization called Teen Talking Circles as an assistant to Linda Wolf. It has been an amazing opportunity. I cried because I remembered when I walked into my first apartment when I moved here. I had only one item I brought and it was a black and white geometric like painting. I stood out on the porch looking over the water. My heart was shattered because of the events that transpired previous to that moment but I was anxious for what was coming. There was no fanfare, no doves or marching band. It was quiet. I was alone. But little did I know what was going to happen during the next three years.

I experienced an amazing first roommate. She responded to my craigslist ad. She was quirky and interesting. As soon as I met her I knew she was perfect. I enjoyed that first year and half with her. I ended up living in four different places. I like where I am now despite the spiders and high heating bill. It feels like home.

I went through four relationships. Each one I learned a little bit more about myself and what I want in a partner. The longest and last one I had was 4 months total. It has been a while since my last one. I dated a lot. I fell in love twice. One which ended in hurt, hence the painting.

I made some lasting friendships. I am amazed by the amazing friends I now have that I have been blessed to have. I feel like some of them came at the right moment in my life. I know these individuals we will be friends for life and I am amazed by their love and support.

I walked away from my religion. I walked back to my religion. I experienced drinking, Seattle music scene and sat around those who enjoy weed. I ended up high once myself, actually makes for a funny story, but I definitely decided that wasn't for me. I enjoyed the ability to discover myself. I discovered and accepted aspects of me that even though I have came back to my religion I have a deeper understanding of who I am through all of that and makes me accept what I believe even more.

My family also went through alot. My brother, who attended with me, had cancer during our sophomore year. That was a trial and I am so proud of him. He also experienced a deep heart-aching loss during our Senior year, but yet he still trudged forth and is graduating with a higher GPA than me! He has an amazing wife to walk through with him. There is a reason they are my heroes. I will miss them when we part.

One of the greatest joys and challenges I faced was when I had my daughter. The emotions that have been a result of that. From guilt, that I gave up a son but accepted to raise a daughter, to realizing that she is my entire world and my rock. My saving grace that God gave me to keep me grounded. She gives me purpose. Even though I started the school with purpose she makes me focus and work a million times harder. She was meant to be in my life during time.

However, I couldn't have done it without help. I am so thankful for some beautiful ladies and her current daycare for their love, support and help.  For their love they have shown my daughter. She is an amazing girl and it is because I doubt there was never a second that she didn't feel love. I hope they all realize that I couldn't have achieved my degree without their help in caring for her. Each one has an special place in my heart.

Before school I felt I was an amazing artist but the first day I was humbled and realized I had to work harder than I ever had before. I started as wanting Graphic Design and Fine Art majors. It had been a struggle learning what skills and accepting what I had to work harder at. Then they offered more majors. I accepted that fine art was not my path and realized that my passion was indeed photography. I ended up with my B.F.A. in Visual Communications double majoring in Photography and Graphic Design.

Obviously a lot more happened than that, like my few years working at WalMart and getting into writing music. I am ready for the next three years. Interesting to see what happens. I hope to fall in love again and get married, build up a career, provide for my daughter. Play with and teach my daughter as much as possible. The sun is shining this Friday morning. In my head, I hear a fanfare, the marching band and see the doves. Now, I am going to end this posting as the close of a chapter and going to play with my daughter.