8 Months

It is strange to think I am already 8 months. Although, I can definitely feel it. Even though I have my good days I feel more emotional and exhausting days are more and more. I try so very hard not to act irritated or emotional. I work hard at not being demanding or stubborn. I know I fail at times but it is great to be surrounded by those who love me and want to do anything for me. I hope they know how appreciative I am! I still have this independent streak where I want to do everything myself but I am finding how much I love when someone offers to do something for me.

My awesome roommate got the downstairs ready and so I moved my art stuff down there which opened up the room for the baby. Then last night my great friend and I went and got the crib and began setting it all up! CRAZY though it took us, well mostly her, till 1 am before we got almost done. She was so awesome! I totally love her for helping me!

So today after having an annoying morning I decided I wouldn't feel any satisfaction if I didn't at least get the baby's room completed. Minus a few pictures not hung up yet I would say the room is complete. There are clothes and blankets in the drawers, baby wipes and diapers ready to use. There is a sheet on the mattress and blanket ready to go. The TV is set up and a rocking chair in place. There is still yet more to do but I would say I am more ready than ever and at 8 months with a little over a month to go I am definitely feeling ready for my little baby to arrive.

Here I am stuck in the crib because we built it around me! Didn't quite think that one through!



Diligently working hard at making the drawers! Those things were annoying! Great job! She rocked!



View of the whole room minus where the bookshelf is.



Better view of the crib.



I know there is way more to get done. I think it is on to the preparing for delivery, checking out the hospital, getting medical things in order, financial things in order. I feel like this month is a crucial month and I am looking forward to the final month. Also looking forward to the party on the 16th. I am not a big baby shower like person so our goal is to just to have a celebration/party/get together. Like non-baby-shower baby-shower. I just love my friends and family so just getting together to recognize someone special is arriving is neat however it is celebrated.

At church I was looking at my belly and watching her move. It is so amazing to see my belly move around. I got a little teary eyed because even though this was not how I ever intended to go through my first pregnancy I am content with it. Perhaps someday I will have a partner and we will possibly have another one and going through a pregnancy with them will be a whole different experience.

I got an ultrasound and she is measuring two weeks ahead of schedule so it makes me wonder if my feeling of her arriving on 16th of April is legit. We shall see. I didn't get real good pictures this time around but good to know she is growing well. I hope she isn't too big!

Here goes the final month.

Breastfeeding,

I know this blog would happen eventually. It seems though that appropriate time is now. Okay, maybe not ever but I have got to vent about it.

I know 100% without a shadow of a doubt that breastfeeding is a good good thing to do. The benefits all the way around definitely outweigh formula. It seems that most mother's who can't breastfeed are slightly disappointed that they are unable too. But regardless of this belief and knowledge, I am terrified to breastfeed. Absolutely silly to fear.

It causes some serious angst. One reason I wont go into but over all I have not a clue why it terrifies me so. I am thinking it is because I will be going to school and having to pump there seems... weird. Granted I live 10 minutes away so I can go home to do it. But then even that just seems... uncomfortable and wrong! I know everyone is trying to be encouraging and giving me advice about it but there is some deep rooted fear about it and I can't exactly explain as to why. I am more terrified of breastfeeding than I am of the birthing process! (We all know how terrified I am of that!)

I am hoping that all these fears will just subside when it comes to doing it and I will laugh and say "why was I so worried?"

On a plus note, I get to have another ultrasound tomorrow. I am so excited! It is great to be able to see her again and maybe I will know what part of her body she keeps liking to jab my right side with!

Silly!

Silliness.

This is how I have felt for the last few hours. Very playful and silly. I think I've been so serious for so long it just came out all at once. When my instructor made a joke about my love of smell of Axe men's body spray to the whole Vis Comm class I loved it! It got the whole class going to which was great! (Well, I think all of us students aspire to do something silly or outrageous that it makes an impression on him to where he jokes about it later. Oh, we all love Troy!) You see one student was wearing it in my Graphic Design class, same instructor, and so I was going off about how much I love that smell right now!

I realized though, I have not been playful or silly in a while. So what's different today I am not sure. Maybe because I realized that I seem to always have what I need and so I stopped overly worrying about those things. Or, my stress level has hit a point where I've gone completely MAAAD! o_O

Wait, I think I got it. I slept for 7.5 hours last night! Been awhile since I was able to sleep for that long... or maybe because there was no headache today? Oo.. oo... I've finished a graphic design project that was irritating me?

Whatever the case is... as I am over analyzing my silliness, how silly is that! I hope it continues! I've enjoyed it today.

30 weeks

Here I am. I am finally 30 weeks pregnant. I feel like I am on third base ready to steal home! (Haha sport analogy!) All seriousness, naw this can't be a serious blog, here are some observations I've made about being 30 weeks pregnant.

Observation #1. Moodiness. My goodness I have been extremely moody! I wake up just a testy you know what! I am so glad that usually my mornings are spent alone. I try very hard to get out any moodiness in the hour I get ready for the day. (You can image what is said during that hour!) I can feel myself getting overly worked up over the stupid things! Like how I locked my car door so now I have to fumble with my keys to open the door. Seriously? Come on! Just silly!

Observation #2: Every health or body issue I am way hypochondriac over. If I feel the weirdest twinge I am stopping an immediately counting baby movements. Granted my headaches are annoying but that is okay to be overly cautious. (I didn't say these were bad observations!)

Observation #3: WHAT THE GIGANTIC LEGS!? I was sitting in the movie theatre and looked down and just saw these gigantic legs. I know, I know I've complained about my weight blah blah, but this was not just a weight thing. I could feel my swollen feet and knees. I can't believe how swollen! It's like... I have cankles for the first time in my life! (I've been a bigger girl and I've never had cankles!) I just feel awkward and wobbly.

Observation #4: I waddle. And you know what? I am proud to waddle! Waddle away pregnant women you deserve that right! I've waddled here or there in the beginning as my body adjusted but now I really waddle. ESPECIALLY when I have to pee! My waddle is larger and more noticeable. Sometimes I can't make it without waddling. Swollen legs + extruding tummy with a 3-lb growing organism in there = the need to waddle.

Observation #5: Everyone wants to do things for me! I will just mention something just like I am thinking out loud and then wow there it is or someone does it! It's madness! But... well, I kind of like it. I am definitely not going to to get used to it but I appreciate it greatly while it is happening! Many love and hugs!

Observation #6: This baby has power! She is already trying to say who is boss! When she kicks or moves when I am certain position she lets it be known that she hates it! Yes. And I finally felt the whole rib thing! WOW! How she reached up there I am impressed! I also during church on Sunday just watched my tummy move as she moved. It was amazing! I love how much she moves. I do say I will miss that part of the pregnancy.

Observation #7: "I'm about to be a mom, again." 9 months seemed so far away but two months not so much. I find myself looking at my tummy in the mirror and just awing that the fact I am about to be a mom. Granted, this is NOT the circumstance I wanted to be a mom again but I am finally getting excited for the mom part. I think because I am preparing myself mentally and I remember how much I loved it before. I feel like my heart is being mended.

Observation #8: Sleepy Insomniac. I can't make up my mind. One night I am awake and unable to sleep. The other night I can't get to bed soon enough! I wish I would make up my mind because it messes my sleeping pattern! Ha. Like I ever had one before. I still can't go to sleep before midnight usually but still, I have been awake till 2 to 3 am some nights and then bam the next night/day I can't keep my eyes open!!

I am not sure what the remaining two months have it store. For some reason I have a feel she is going to come a week early around the 16th of May. We shall see. But, I apologize for my moodiness, I appreciate all that everyone has done for me and I am curious to know what is going to happen in the two months I have left of being pregnant!

Intuition or Something Like It.

This is kind of a blog that will be a bit strange and kind of revealing. But I need to talk about it. I have to admit that the idea of death has never scared me. I've always been more curious about it and there was a moment in my life where I welcomed the idea.

For the last two weeks I've been really fearing death. I don't know why. It's kept me up at night sometimes because I am terrified that if I fall asleep I will die. Ridiculous I know. I am going to assume that part of this fear is because of my hormones and pregnancy. I do know though, that a huge part is because I love my daughter already and when you think about life you think about it's natural counter part. Regardless of why I was feeling that way it really started to feel overwhelmed my thoughts. In fact, normally I can watch action movies or shoot em-up movies but recently it's been hard!

Until the horrific Japan quake.

I almost wonder if my impending fear and death wasn't another experience of my intuition. It's not the only time something like that happened. Few examples are:

In June of 1999, I woke up in the middle of the night because I've never experienced an earthquake and I said out loud "there is going to be an earthquake!" Telling myself how ridiculous I was that I couldn't predict an earthquake I tried to calm down. The next morning there was an earthquake around Olympia area.

Back when the whole 9-11 thing happened I was distraught with that same impending doom and fear, not of death, but that something major world changing was going to happen and there was nothing I could do about it. I was crying and freaking out but also feeling like I was just being overly emotional.

So you can imagine my reaction when it happened the next morning. I remember sitting there watching the TV and just feeling my body run cold knowing what I was feeling the night before. At one point of the day I started crying and my teacher told me to not let my fear take over because that is why they are terrorist. I looked at him and said "you don't understand, I felt this was going to happen and there was nothing I could do about it."

Again, Sri Lanka. I was anxious and felt like something was going to happen...

I just find it strange that I have had these... intuitions in my life. Both major and non-major. I don't know what it is, I am not saying I am a psychic or anything like that but I feel my intuition is amazingly strong.

I knew when I was pregnant, I know it's a girl, I know that my life is going to work out. I sometimes react like everything is going to hell in hand-basket (thank you to those who listen to me rant during those times) but I know it's really not.I meet someone and I know that they are either going to be, major influences, predominant people in my life or just acquaintances. I know when I am going to get a job or not. I knew that even in my darkest hour I would see light again and be okay.

I hope my daughter has this same intuition. I wonder if it is something I can teach her as well. To just stop and listen and pay attention to the world around us. Feel the way it moves and works.

I am feeling for Japan right now and what happened. It is very sad but it definitely makes me count my blessings. I hope they recover from this well and that our world too will be okay. God be with them.

Not Just A Hat..

So, tonight I lost my knitted brown beanie. When asking around for it I know I got strange looks and when I got worked up about it I am sure I heard their thoughts saying some well, not nice things. I am sorry. It is not just any hat.

My sister-in-law comes up with the coolest gifts. For my birthday they got my giant towel and she embroidered my name on it. AWESOME! I thought she couldn't top that gift because I love large towels and she added my name. I wont let anyone touch it or wash it. For Christmas I was surprised with this awesome brown knitted beanie. It has to be one of the best gifts from someone I have ever received! I wore that thing everywhere!

I've lost the hat twice. Once when I moved it fell behind some boxes in the corner of the room, I knew I would find it and the other time I dropped it outside of my school but someone awesome found it and hung it on a lamp post and my brother found it. So I created a system to help me not loose it. When I take it off place it in my purse. It has worked for the longest time.

Until today. Three times today I was like "where is my hat?" After the third time scolding myself I said "Ugh. One of these times you are really going to loose it."

I suppose I just caused a self fulling prophecy.

Now it is gone. It was not there and the people at the restaurant couldn't find it. Or so they say. I know I have to TRUST they are being honest but how could it disappear in 15 minutes? I am seriously sad and want to cry (surprised I haven't yet.)

I guess with me battling the migraine/headache all week and waiting to hear about my preeclampsia results (I am sure if I had they would call)I am a little more emotional and so it feels like a huge thing loosing this hat. But at the same time I still think I would be just as depressed.

You see, it's not just a hat. It something that someone special to me really thought about and crafted. It is about love. I treasure things like that. I hope that perhaps this hat is a lucky hat and it will show up but sadly I think it maybe gone for good.

Why do I always loose my most favorite things?

Name change.

I would have to say this last week was a big week for me. Besides attending ComicCon, developing awesome new friendships, and going to church another huge thing happened...

I changed my last name.

I didn't want to keep my married name any longer. Considering I was no longer married I had no attachment into keeping that name. I wanted to change it before but there were a ton of emotional things I needed to work on.

When I got pregnant and situation happened to where there wouldn't be a father in the picture I had to make a decision about what last name I would give my daughter. Considering I remember the confusion and always having to explain why my mom had a different last name I decided that the most important thing was that her and I were to have the same last name.

But what last name?

I realized that giving her my maiden name was not right. I too particularly did not want to go back to my maiden name either. I have struggled with issues trying to make a connection with a biological father. Some of my other issues that I have dealt with surrounded my emotional feeling about that situation. I didn't feel like my daughter needed to be a part of that. Unfortunately because I struggled to have contact with him that meant she probably would never have contact with him so carrying on that name seemed wrong.

I thought of my Step-dad who I do refer to as "Dad." Especially when mentioning him to other people. He has always stepped up when I needed a father in my life. He showed me how a man should treat his wife, how a father should treat their children, and how a man should treat his fellow men. I think if I did not have his influence and guidance I wouldn't be nearly the woman I am today. I knew that was a man who deserved his name to be carried on. He didn't get to have natural children but I never once felt like I was his "step-daughter." In fact some of our mannerisms and thought processes are eerily a like. I knew that my daughter would grow up knowing him because he would make the effort too.

I am not saying I don't care for or love my biological father. This is the reality of the situation sadly enough. I wish he was there and that I had a good relationship with him but I did all that could. My main goal is to make sure that I am healthy emotionally for my daughter and part of that means I have to accept certain situations.

What is in a name as we are all aware, would a rose smell as sweet if it were called by any other? It doesn't matter. A name is a legacy. It is an honor. A tradition and privilege. By taking someone's name whether you are born and given it, marry into it, or choose it you are carrying on a legacy for all time. Carrying on a name means respect. It shows love.

My daughter is special. I just know she is. She needs to carry a name as her maiden that deserves that honor. She will know this and understand this honor. If she marries she too will take on a name as a wife and carry that name in respect as I did with my married name but when that respect isn't reciprocated then that name doesn't matter.

I was asked though, what if I get married then what? I told them, well, maybe if I really like the guy then maybe I will take his name, but for now I will stick with Lockwood. Half joking of course. I do hope however, that if I marry someone that he understands that it's not only me but my daughter as well he is asking to be his family and that he sees my daughter as his. (Which makes the whole dating thing way more complicated but I already talked about that.)

I hope others can see and understand my choice and the reasons why I made that choice. I didn't get adopted or anything, my biological father is still my birth father, but the man I know as my father is the name I now carry.

Geeking out...

Everyone knows that I am an artist. Along with being an artist I am also very much into movies, music and comic books. My interest in comic books actually started when I was in Elementary School. I remember the house up our street on Halloween one year gave out comic books instead of candy. I think my brothers took them thinking why would I want them. Somehow though, I acquired them and I must have read the Green Lantern comic book from cover to cover a million times. It is funny because I attested reading when I was younger, I did go through a phase where I read more in Jr. High and High School but I am still not a huge avid reader, I think if my mom noticed that I was so engrossed in this comic book thing maybe to get me to read more would have been the route to introduce me to more comic books?

I even had an Archie comic that I read a whole lot but I loved nothing more than that Green Lantern one. I also remember a boy in 5th grade had a crush on me, he was so cute, and he gave me some 90's X-Men trading cards. (Sadly though I have no idea what has happened to those cards, it makes me sick to think what I did with them.) In Jr. High was when the TV shows came out. I would watch X-Men, Batman and Spiderman after school. I was completely entranced by them. In High School when the first movie came out I was so excited. I wished I could know more but I had no idea how. I didn't know anything about the comic books. So naturally when I met my ex-husband who was an avid comic book reader he introduced me to the world and I fell more in love with the art, the story telling and the abundant creativity!

After my divorce my mom said she was surprised I was so into it still. I told her I had always wanted to be but just didn't know how so I was grateful for that introduction. I still love it. There are certain characters and comics I have truly loved to read. It takes me 20 minutes to half hour to read one comic book because I just take my time reading them.

So naturally when the Emerald City ComicCon came up I just knew I had to take the opportunity to go! I was worried however how my pregnancy body would be able to handle the trek but I think the adrenaline carried me through out the whole day! My geekiness extends out to Star Wars, Star Trek and newly Dr. Who TV series. I was hoping though that I could find or be wearing a shirt that says "Future Geek" with an arrow pointing at my belly! I think it is inevitable that my daughter too will be into geeky things.

The ComicCon was amazing. There are levels of geekiness. You have, wannabe geek, semi-geek, geek, uber-geek, and super geek. I think I bounce between geek and uber-geek. Wanna be geek is the whole world baring those strange few who avoid it all completely, semi-geek are those who dabble in it but not as much as a plain geek who has their interest in most geek things with some stuff and collectibles, uber-geek is a step up where you can have a serious conversations/debates about certain story lines, artists, issues, games, movies. Where you can for a day straight be surrounded by geekiness and still want more. They own a fair share of memorabilia and collectibles. Super geek is the mecca geek. They are every combination of geek plus some. They know everything and in a debate are to be feared! They are willing to dress up in characters and put on that persona as well. They are those that can stump even the creators or actors because they know the story better than them, but yet they don't want to write them. They are what every greek and uber-geek hope to be but just can't seem to be. They may hit mecca from time to time but settle back down.

I was definitely in my element yesterday. I am however trying to fight the whole dating a geek thing. I guess I am fearful of a repeat of my marriage but I feel that it is inevitable. I suppose though if I am a geek to uber-geek I would have to find someone who is also geeky so they understand and we can go to places like the sci-fi museum, Star Wars Exhibit and ComicCons plus random trips to ultimate comic book shops. Can you image those family trips!? I can. I think I am slowly coming back around to that idea.

It was awesome too to meet Jason Pearson who is a Deadpool, my favorite character, cover artist. I also was able to get some comic books that plugged holes in my collection. My friend came with too and she even got to two Dr. Who comic books! (Helping her become an uber-geek! haha)

All in all the day was met with taking pictures of people in costumes, a hilarious Brent Spinner and Jonathan Frakes panel, Jason Pearson, comic books, friends and utter geeking out. The night ended with geeking out with another friend looking over comic books and watching Batman cartoon movies. Awesome day!

Me and Deadpool. (I am soo not photogenic! Ugh!)

Dreaming...

I have had to say that I really haven't experienced many baby dreams. Yet. I have, however, had my usual string of dreams about guys or other odd situations. I probably have had two baby dreams but I don't remember them much. I suppose it is a good thing? I honestly was looking forward to some crazy dreams! Does that make me crazy? Perhaps not. I just usually have some intense dreams and so when I heard about pregnancy dreams I got excited!

Nothing yet though. Perhaps my life is so crazy and weird anyway why have dreams?

I will tell you the dreams that I am having are like pregnancy related dreams, I think. I have a reoccurring dream about jogging that has started since I quit my job. Perhaps this is symbolic? I am going down my street and down to the waterfront park. I can feel the wind rushing by but my ipodnano is on full blast. I am so happy because I feel free. I am happy that I am working out again and getting my body back into shape. I can feel the endorphins pumping through. It feels amazing...until I wake up.

In reality I am laying there feeling fat and bloated. I awkwardly move about throughout the day. I didn't think that getting big would effect me like it has. I suppose because I was dropping pounds before the whole pregnancy thing just to see it there again and now see my tummy extrude past my breasts make it more daunting that I will have to back to where I was last July. It feels like the situation of Sisyphus, from Greek mythology, who was condemned by the Greek gods for his trickery to push a rock up the hill just to watch it roll back down for eternity.

I hope I don't have to fight this weight for eternity but it feels that way. I am looking forward to be able to go jogging again. I hope I can get back that motivation that I had last summer. I hope by the dreams that I have been having I will.

I guess I will just have to be happy with my dreams for now.