One Month Already!

I can't believe that it has already been one month. I feel like it has went by really fast but at the same time strangely slow. It has been quite an adventure thus far. I have experienced crazy sleeping patterns and being completely swollen from water retention. (That is now starting to go down since I got some pills. Yay.)

I am still so amazed that I have a beautiful baby girl. She is mine and I helped create her. She is certainly becoming a Momma's girl and I can't say that is a horrible thing. I love this little girl to pieces and I am excited for our future.

This little girl is amazing. She is more alert when I look at her. This morning I said "I love you my little baby girl!" and she smiled at me! Love it! So I got her to smile for me later. Photo session again!

The Unexpected.

Life. It is so unpredictable. It is strange and curious. This journey I have gone through thus far has been interesting to say the least. I know I have been slacking writing in here which really has nothing to do with my baby. We are starting to get settled in. Things are starting to feel normal and working out.

The major thing is that someone specific and special in my life is starting to be more in it again. I thought that basically this would never happen. I understand some of my family and friend's reactions to it but I can't help but feel good to go with it. However, I am afraid that a certain aspect is causing this comeback but deep down I honestly don't think it is.

I am so anxious to do the paternity test. Considering that was a major part of my depression for so very long. I am sure all parties are wanting to know. I feel like so much right now is riding on the results of it but I do suffer from anxiety and paranoia at times.

Another unexpected thing was at school on Thursday, at whim playing my song for my class and my instructor getting out his guitar and my friend harmonizing and then and there we almost completed my song. It was amazing. I love writing and playing music. It feels so good and that it mends a piece of my heart every time. I am very desirous to continue this further. Especially since I got a positive response.

Right now... I am not entirely sure what the future intends. I am curious to see it through and want to go with it. I do know, however, this is the happiest I have felt in a very very long time.

And It Continued...

So. She slept till 4am. I got to sleep about 1:30am. So that made 2.5 hours of sleep. Yay me! Usually she goes to sleep again. But didn't want to. I fed her many times over the next 5 hours and she didn't calm down. It didn't help I kept falling asleep while feeding her. It is impossible to sleep when the baby is fussing in the crib across the room.

My mom got me crying to her at 8 am. I was delirious at one point I swore I heard the doorbell ring frantically so grumbling I got up and went to the door. No one was there. I was quite upset no one was there. Not the fact I thought the doorbell was ringing.

Finally by the time she was asleep again I was too awake and hungry to go back to sleep. The morning was rocky with me trying to do homework with battling swelling up and headache. Per request of my mom I called the OB doc and the triage nurse insisted I go in to check my blood pressure. Right before then however I was crying because some pictures I had found on an old phone of my foster children and me I accidentally deleted them. So far not a good day.

It got better going shopping with my dear beautiful friend and it cheered me up to spend time with her and drag her around. Ha. I got my blood pressure checked it was fine. Although the triage nurse made me feel bad for going back to school so soon. I don't really have a choice. I am already having a hard time going back so I didn't take well what she was saying to me about it.

But after shopping for things for my birthday bbq my friend and I came back and watched a movie. It was... interesting. I enjoyed it. Not as funny as I had hoped but it was good. But during the movie I got a phone call. Although, I should probably be more worried than I am turns out Naomi has a staff infection, MRSA, in her belly button. Are you kidding me?! Lucky it is not bad but they called in some antibiotics for her. I feel horrible that at 3 weeks old she already has an ailment! So yes, just made a bad day to worse. I played it cool because my mom was freaking out a little but have to admit that I have some panic going on. I am sure all will be okay but it makes me want to put her in a bubble for a while. So I hope no one feels bad if I tell them no when they want to hold her and see her tomorrow. I just want her to not get worse.

Lets hope tonight goes better. She is currently still asleep in her car seat and I know I need to move her soon but hopefully she wont decide to stay up all night tonight. I also pray that this mrsa thing will go away and nothing else will happen.

What a day!

So today I felt the emotions. It's been getting harder for me to fall asleep at night and therefore more difficult to wake up in the mornings or do the late night feedings. I think in turn that is starting to take an emotional toll.

Today was extremely difficult for some reason. I had woken up with the plan to do my homework. Which I stuck too but it was getting harder to concentrate on it as the day wore on. I worked on a little bit of everything since I have so much to catch up on. I may cut my losses on some assignments we shall see. At 1 in the afternoon I had fed the baby for the umpteenth (that's an actual word?) time and we played for a while. Finally she had fallen asleep by 3. I thought it would be a great opportunity to push on some homework. But by 4pm I couldn't stand it any longer. My eyes were drooping. I decided a nap was needed in case my little vampire decided to be awake till 2 am again.

Right when I made it there I found myself fighting the sleep but finally I could feel my body drifting. I took note of the time right before I knew sleep was eminent. 4:15ish. Then bam. Not fussing but crying from the crib. Eyes open. I got 5 minutes of sleep. I layed there hoping she would fall back asleep but no, crying got more intense so I got up feeling the fighting of the need to sleep which was more intense now. It is so difficult to go from the second you fall asleep to being awake again. Not possible.

To make matters worse she was in all kinds of a frenzy and then I started to change her diaper. But, she just wouldn't stop pooping and peeing!! It went everywhere! So here I am barely functioning due to jarring 5 minute sleep and she is freaking out! I am trying to be calm about it but I am like "Are you kidding me!? Stop pooping!" Trying to clean up the poop, trying to find a diaper that isn't the same size as her. (Ran out of newborn ones but had size 1's somewhere.) I was ready to just start crying because I knew she just needed to stop pooping so I could feed her again. It had been a few hours. When my roommate came in and I have this saying a lot "Goodness gracious little one" so she came in and said that. I think I gave her the death glare and I said "no, it's damnit little one! She wont stop pooping! It's getting everywhere" (Okay, so I am laughing about it now but it was NOT funny at the time.) My roommate offered to hold her I told her no. It wouldn't have done any good because I knew part of her reasons for screaming like a banshee was that she was hungry. So handing her off would be unproductive. Plus, she was pooping yet again in the new diaper so I would have to change it third time in a five second span!

Finally she stopped pooping and I fed her. By about 5:15 she was asleep once again. I questioned if I should sleep but I decided too. We slept for a long while. But then, she was hungry and I was hungry with a headache. I thought, no worries, I will feed her and she will fall back asleep and I will get to eat. It is 8:30 at this point.

Good plans never pan out. Here it was11:30 she had snacked for the entire three hours and wouldn't go to sleep. I was now starving to where I was nauseous. Everytime she drifted off to sleep and I put her down in her crib she would awake and start crying. My friend that I was talking to online pointed out that I would have to do the "let her cry" deal. Do you realize that when she pushes out her little bottom lip and looks up at me with those dark brown eyes and screams "maaaaaaaaaamaaaaaa" how impossible it is to just let her cry?! Impossible!

I did it although, here it is 1am. I made a dinner that ended up being horrible but it is substance. (By the way, you cannot make beef stew meat patties.) But she has been sleeping for about an hour and now I am afraid to try and sleep and repeat what happened earlier.

I did cry a little. I thought right now a partner would be good to have. But, I did it. I guess today other than the first night was the first day I felt very overwhelmed but it was all to do with the fact I needed to sleep but got pulled out of it and the idea I have a ton of homework to catch up on and not being in class to get that extra instruction makes it harder to do.

Tomorrow is the same thing; homework but with some shopping thrown in. Saturday is my birthday and I do have something planned which I am slightly nervous for but hopefully will be fun. But, hopefully tomorrow there wont be an explosion of poop.

Photo Sessions!

The joy of being a photographer is that I will always have a camera and so there will be plenty of opportunities to take her picture! She is so photogenic! Here are some pictures I took so far.
All photography is copyright. ;)

6 DAYS OLD:

1 WEEK:

11 DAYS OLD:

2 WEEKS:

Two Weeks Old

My little one is two weeks today. Amazing how it's already been two weeks. I have one week I am taking off from school left. It is going to be extremely difficult to go back I think. These last two weeks have gone by so quick but it has been amazing though. I have enjoyed it even though I have spouted off about her staying up so late. But, I cannot explain fully the love that just wants to burst out of me every time I watch her or hold her.

When she sleeps she likes to sleep with her hands up to her face and she will roll to her side. It just is so freaking adorable I just giggle when I see her. I love her cries because they are so soft but it almost feels like she is properly expressing her frustration. It's not like panic just like "hey I am poopy and hungry so stop what you are doing and come take care of me please." I feel like her communication skills are already very well established.

I am going to take her to church with me today. It should be interesting considering the church is for the young single people. But, I am not ready to quite leave her yet. Also, my car died on the way to my parents house. So I didn't get to go see them before they went back to work. Not happy about that. It also sucks because going without a car is not going to be good. I hope it is not too expensive to fix.

A lot has happened these last two weeks, from reconnecting with someone important to making spiritual choices that I am already battling the opposition for and making some new friendships and working hard to continue other friendships. This is just the beginning and I am praying I can make it through it for my daughter.

(Also, hopefully soon I can get new pictures up too.)

Breastfeeding: The Result.

So, I knew I would have to eventually post a blog about the outcome of my experience breastfeeding. I did make a huge deal about it.

After attending a breastfeeding class and hearing about the oxytocin and how it will help me loose weight and also help with postpartum depression I was more convinced and intrigued. Basically, I officially on board.

Naomi was born with a tight frenulum or also known as being tongue tied. Basically there was some cartalidge keeping her tongue from being able to come out and would cause issues latching on. They did say that they can clip it to fix the issue but would have to go to someone who does it. Apparently most pediatricians and hospitals don't do it anymore. For the time being however I still needed to figure out a way to feed her. So they gave me a nipple guard. That thing was horrible! I hated to use it. It took me forever to place it on and even then she still had issues.

She kept dropping weight however, which meant she wasn't getting enough. I wasn't quite producing milk. I think it was a rough start and it made me nervous for her. But with some excellent guidance from the lactation nurse we were able to cup feed her formula while still working with her on the breastfeeding.

On Wednesday we made an appointment to get her tongue looked at. The surgeon guy rated it a 3 out of 4. Right there in the office they snipped it! Simple procedure. But, the dr said that basically it might not change anything or still take a while to work. Same with all the others warned me. We met with the lactation nurse again she did gain a little. She was down to 6lbs and 110z. I so hoped clipping her tongue fixed the feeding and get her back to weight.

Luckily my milk finally came in. Later on Wednesday I went to try and feed her still with the nipple guard like they suggested but it was only frustrating and finally I tossed it to the side and put her right up to me and she immediately latched on! It worked! SUCCESS!

I absolutely fell in love with breastfeeding. I was so worried about making sure she was being fed that any other fears about it just flew out the window. And now, I actually look forward to feeding her. She is so sweet and special. It is amazing to just snuggle up with her. I love my little girl to pieces and any chance to be that close I will gladly accept it.

The Birth Story

No worries, I will try spare you the gruesome details but I did want to tell the story. It was quite an experience I guess one would say. So after a week of misery and no progression on Wednesday, May 25th, I was told I got to be induced due to the concern of my symptoms and fear it would eventually be preeclampsia. The date was set for me to go in midnight on Friday night. So early Saturday morning. Such an odd time I know but better for insurance purpose. Yay, insurance.

So Friday I hand lunch with my best friend and her family. (Which I am so excited they are moving down close to me!) Then later my mom and I went shopping. I know I should have rested more but it's me. No way. I did however relax the rest of the night. Mainly due to butterflies. I was having a bitter sweet moment. I want the time to come but waiting for it felt more like your waiting for your number to be called sort of feeling. But I realize I was going to miss being pregnant! Silly!

At 11:30 my mom came and got me where I was trying to sleep. We arrived at the hospital at exactly midnight. We got all checked in and changed. I was in a different room that over looked Silverdale and the mountains in the distance. It was very nice. I got all settled in and hooked up. The I.V. took a bit to get in. They tried and failed twice. Guess third time is the charm for sure. After being hooked up I was told about cervadil. I thought they kept saying Silverdale! It was something to go in me with a long string to help me dilate. It was to be in there for 12 hours. My mom soon left because nothing was going to happen that night and if it did she was only five minutes away.

They gave me some morphine and some sort of sleeping drug to help me sleep. It did quite the opposite actually. I was so very loopy! I was aware of every though, muscle movement, sounds with being in this lethargic state. Mom waited to leave until I was asleep which I though I was about to but that is how I was the whole night. So note to self, say no to that cocktail if offered again.

The next morning, despite a yummy breakfast, nothing really happened. Mom arrived about 9am and we just hung out till the nurse came in to check the cervadil and see how far along I was. Yeah. No surprise but I still was not even dilated! But, I was soft enough they could still start me on the pitocin! Yay.

So, at 2 o'clock pm on Saturday they started the inducement. It was strange feeling but they started low doses to work their way up. So I spent the rest of the day just hanging out. Around 6:45 pm I was laying there feeling like I had to pee. Now, getting up and using the bathroom was a challenge and so we decided to wait for the shift change and have the nurse help me with all the hookups and cords. But at one point I was like "man, I don't think I can wait." Then bam! I felt um... embarrassed. I called out to my mom "I think I just peed myself!" I couldn't stop it and so I was like "wait, I think my water just broke!" Oh no! Here it was 7 pm, shift change and not only that they were all in room 1 because of an emergency and here I had no idea what exactly was happening! Few minutes later the nurse came in and sure enough my water had broke so she helped me into the bathroom. No shame at that point.

My Dr. came in at one point that night happy to hear that it had broken because she was preparing to break it for me. For the first time I did something on my own! Yay. But that is when the major contractions started to happen. Wow. They mentioned the epidural. I was good for a while but by 10pm I was very much ready for it! It was crazy feeling getting it put in but after I felt relieved. I slept very well that night.

At 3:30 am Sunday morning though the nurse came in to check my cervix. I was only 1cm dilated! I was like "Are you kidding me?!" They even upped the dose of the pitocin. I felt like I was going to be in labor forever!

I slept for a bit longer and then I was awake around 7 with the next shift change. This is where the nurse Jenica came in. I liked her. I told her I felt different and I felt more pressure down there. She checked my cervix. I was 6cm dilated! FINALLY! I then told her I felt like I had to push. She clapped her hands and said "yay" and then told me NOT to push! I wasn't ready yet. Oh my goodness. That was when the fun really began.

Do you know how hard it is to hold something in? Yeah felt impossible. The one thing that kept running in my mind was "I am going to die if I have to go the whole day like this!" Everyone was excited but the dr was still convinced it was going to be a bit before I was ready to deliver. Jenica was awesome and she kept check my cervix. I was so close. So very close. Finally by 9pm I told her I couldn't not push anymore. So it began. I still wasn't all the way open but we got it to be. It got more intense and I lost sense of time. My dr. was called in and a bunch of other nurses and so the finale was definitely there. It was incredible. My mom was there and got to see the entire thing. They kept telling me to push and push and push and then DON'T PUSH! My baby was born Sunday May 29th, 2011 and 11:11am.

Amazing. The feeling was incredible. My little girl was finally here. My mom got to cut the umbilical chord. Then she was handed to me and she just sweetly looked up at me. I wasn't sure what the feeling I felt at that moment but I realized yesterday it was a feeling of familiarity. It was like I wanted to say "there you are. I've missed you." Like we were connected again. There she was, my little Naomi. Yeah. I cried. Mom cried. The nurse asked my dr if everything was okay and she just said she was just watching us. It was a very special moment. However, I joked five minutes later about how I could do it again.

They took her to clean her while I got stitched up. My first stitches ever! It really hurt actually. But luckily the tear wasn't that bad. My mom was there to help the nurses with the baby and got to put on her diaper.

She was weighed and measured. She was 7lbs 8oz and was 20" long. Still amazed that she was inside of me at that size! She was then placed back into my arms and she just quietly stared at each other. She is so beautiful. I've never been filled with so much happiness and love. At one point a nurse came in and looked at her and very sweetly said "she's a special girl." I wanted to say "you have no idea." I don't remember who it was or what made her say it but it is true. She is a very special girl.

We got to stay in the hospital for a few days. At one point it got scary because she spit up some brown stuff and choked on and it turned blue. I was panicking but I felt peace. I knew all would be okay. But they took her and monitored her. She just has excess stuff in her tummy still. But needless to say I still keep an ever close watch on her. I got many visits from some great friends. But definitely when Tuesday came I was very ready to go home.

Here are some pictures of the event.

This was right after she came out and got her umbilical cut. Yeah. I was crying.

Getting cleaned up.

Grandma putting on her first diaper.

All clean! Found her finger. She was born with a tight frenulum. Got it clipped Wednesday.

This is me getting stitched up! I had to concentrate.
After she was all cleaned and weighed.

Monday. One full day old.
Two Days Old. GOING HOME!

That was Carlita. She was one of our favorite nurses. She was hilarious!

Getting the lojack off so we can take her out!

At Home. Three days old.

Four Days Old.