Jogging Rant

Yesterday, I jogged my two mile route in about 15 minutes. To me that was a great victory. That was like 7.5 minute mile. Okay, so I am not yet a marathon runner. But today, today I thought I would push myself and do better than yesterday. Why not?

Either, I psyched my self out or the fact I got only three hours of sleep and battled a major charlie horse in my leg in the middle of that three hour sleep, prevented me from my goal.

Between the continual cramping in my leg and the feeling of wanting to vomit all over the road I barely made it all the way around.

I couldn't even the jog the hill.

I know, we all have bad days when it comes to jogging and working out. But still. I value my jogging time, I really only get to do it two days a week, I love how it gets me feeling good and motivated.

Not today.

Jogging

Back in June I was weighed and it was a shock to me. The weight that I was I didn't feel like I weighed that much and I looked in the mirror with rose colored glasses. I always thought that if my boobs were out further than my stomach than I was alright.

Well, my breasts grew too so that was illogical hypothesis.

Now, admitting this is kind of making me feel foolish. I never felt like I over ate or that over indulged myself. Yes, I liked having the occasional treat. I began to find that it wasn't just that I didn't eat right but in actuality I never ate enough. With my busy life as a single mom and college full-time I would go almost a day to two days without hardly eating a thing, my calorie intake on average was only 600 a day. Not. Healthy.

I started to take action. I paid more attention to what and when I was eating and my life, especially since school has finished, is more active. I have gone on a ton of hikes, hiked 27 miles on my trip, and I am exercising, mostly jogging three to four days a week. I want to do more. I have no idea what I am at now but I am not so concerned because I am taking action.

But here are some things I have been experiencing on my jogs:

I started off barely being able to jog my two mile route. There is an awkward hill that is deceiving. The 45degree grade is shockingly hard to jog up. It looks like a nice gradual incline but it definitely isn't. But over all I mostly walked it. Then I soon was jogging more of it, until I got to that hill. For about a week I would hit that hill and stop. I told a friend that the next week I would jog that entire route. And I did. I made it up that hill. I thought it was a fluke but every time since I have jogged my entire two mile route including the hill. I no longer call it going on my walg or going walgging but indeed, I am jogging.

The other day on my jog, and I don't wear my glasses when I jog, I heard something behind me and at first glance I thought it was coyote so I picked up my pace. Then getting an idea I turned around to scare it away and to my finding it was just a Min Pin dog! That made me laugh.

I am not as self-conscious as I thought. On my route I travel through very busy parts, a busy road and school zone. There is something about fat girl jogging. But anything, I feel like I am saying to the world, I am not a lazy person and I do care about myself to do something about it. It is better when I am pushing Naomi, although she is getting super heavy to push, because it says "yes, I popped this out and now I have to get my body back." All in all I don't care what people think. I jogged at the Grand Forest and was afraid there were too many people there but I jogged anyway.

Jogging in the morning is the best time, and more so in the fall! I have my epic music on and when that sun appears and I feel its warmth it is this amazing magical moment. It is so beautiful in the morning and it is a great way to start my day. I love the fog lifting and the cold crisp air.

I love jogging. I loved it when I ran cross country in high school. I am sad I didn't have the confidence then to really run the events but I loved it. I love the moment of euphoria that strikes right when you are about to give up. Jogging is my way of finding my center and giving me the strength to handle life's challenges.

I need to do it more than just a few days a week.

Things that I am learning...

When it comes to memorabilia of my life, letters and journals, even cards and sweet notes, I am a pack rat. I am a memory whore. I have a ton of memories and I cling on to every single one of them. I take pride in my ability to remember dates and the significant events.

While packing I decided that I wanted to go through some of this history. I wanted to thoroughly go through it. I have laughed, cried, been puzzled by some things, shocked, and numb I keep intending to throw things out like, thank you notes from my wedding that never got sent. Or letters that my former husband and I wrote to each other, or even pictures. I even have thank you cards, like from someone named Abby who I apparently helped with her wedding but for the life of me I cannot remember who she is! (I guess my memory is not as good as I thought.) I keep thinking to myself, "why am I torturing myself and why do I hang on these things?"

I tried to dump them but all I could feel was that I was dumping a piece that explained my past. These things were so important to me at one point and it was something that shaped who I am today. Should I even feel compelled to be rid of it?

Here is what I learned from going through these letters and things from my childhood till a year before my marriage ended.

1. I had the most amazing friends and I wonder if I ever reciprocated or showed them how much they meant/mean to me. I hope that some of those letters of discouragement or asking me to give them a call or stop by that I responded to them. I have a feeling I did not and I apologize to every single one of them. It is like I got married and dropped off into my own little world.

2. I was quite the insightful little twerp at times. I wonder what happened to that.

3. I did indeed love my former husband and that is why I still cry when I read those letters and cards. We did indeed love and appreciate each other at one point. What changed all that? Well, I have my theories, but I do not regret being married. I did my best and I learned a lot which will help me when I get married again. I feel I have moved on, but yet, I cannot seem to let the evidence of that era go.

4. Love isn't enough. It is what you do with that love. I have had so many come and go into my life that I showed love too but it obviously wasn't enough. Sometime, somewhere I will be able to be with that person that is a combination of all those special relationships.

5. I am so determined not to ever have to loose a part of myself when finding someone to share this life with.

6. I loved to write. I was a writer. It makes me want to write again.

7. Wow, I predicted so many thing and there is  a test where I randomly wrote numbers down and some how that predicted my future which has come true, down to me being a single mother living on welfare. CRAZY! I should be careful what I say for now on. (I will win a million bucks someday!) 

There are more things, but I realized, I will not toss such important notes into the memory hole. Someday some of these things may come back to haunt me, som day some of these things will be forgotten why I even held on to them, some of these things will always bring tears to my eyes, or pains to my heart or a smile to my face but all in all, I love having every last tiny piece of paper or item. I will hold on to them dearly because I do not ever want to forget where I have been that lead me to now.

Post-college life, moving and dating

Well, post-college life has certainly been interesting. It isn't exactly what I thought would happen but I will make it through. It has been a challenge obtaining clients and/or looking for a solid full-time job. I have had to make a lot of difficult decisions and I went through some interesting things in just a few short months.

I wanted to wait before I posted this before I individually talked to everyone but that doesn't seem to be happening. Also, things are still uncertain. I did a crazy thing, yet something prompted me, to tell my landlords that I will be moving out at the end of the month. Not entirely sure where, however, the most logical choice is Vancouver, Washington. I have amazing friends down there and a place to stay. So, if nothing transpires up here in the next few weeks, then Vancouver is my next destination and if that destination doesn't work out then I will head down to Utah. Why Utah? I am not sure, it is just another prompting and today listening to some wise men it seemed to be about following promptings. I don't really want to move away from Kitsap County because of some amazing friends and experiences I have gained. It truly feels like home. If I do move away maybe someday I will be back. Right now my main priority is to find a job in my career field and establish a home for my daughter, wherever that may be. The interesting thing is I was going to stay here because of some doors opening but in a crazy week most of them have shut or not as wide open as I thought.

I also had a realization today about a certain relationship that I was in. Part of my reasons for wanting to stay here, which are no longer completely valid, was because of that relationship. Technically we dated for a week but that is beside the point. This guy has quickly become someone super important to me and my daughter. She has taken to him very well so it is important to me that we continue the amazing friendship we do have.

But through all of this I realized that dating someone is super complicated. If I date someone but we do break up its not just a break up with me but my daughter as well. The older she gets the more aware she will be  with who I date. I guess that is why I am going to have to be even more picky and why the thought of casual dating doesn't appeal to me anymore.

Also, I have been dedicated to loosing weight and getting healthy. Looking at some pictures of me in July and now I have seen a significant difference. It has been difficult but doable. I also found that I can no longer eat anything unhealthy or full of sugars. It makes me completely ill to my stomach and so now even looking at it has deterred me away. I would say that is God's way of helping me out.

As always my life is crazy and I never know what is going to happen but I am still living it and seeing where it takes me and my sweet baby girl.