Name change.

I would have to say this last week was a big week for me. Besides attending ComicCon, developing awesome new friendships, and going to church another huge thing happened...

I changed my last name.

I didn't want to keep my married name any longer. Considering I was no longer married I had no attachment into keeping that name. I wanted to change it before but there were a ton of emotional things I needed to work on.

When I got pregnant and situation happened to where there wouldn't be a father in the picture I had to make a decision about what last name I would give my daughter. Considering I remember the confusion and always having to explain why my mom had a different last name I decided that the most important thing was that her and I were to have the same last name.

But what last name?

I realized that giving her my maiden name was not right. I too particularly did not want to go back to my maiden name either. I have struggled with issues trying to make a connection with a biological father. Some of my other issues that I have dealt with surrounded my emotional feeling about that situation. I didn't feel like my daughter needed to be a part of that. Unfortunately because I struggled to have contact with him that meant she probably would never have contact with him so carrying on that name seemed wrong.

I thought of my Step-dad who I do refer to as "Dad." Especially when mentioning him to other people. He has always stepped up when I needed a father in my life. He showed me how a man should treat his wife, how a father should treat their children, and how a man should treat his fellow men. I think if I did not have his influence and guidance I wouldn't be nearly the woman I am today. I knew that was a man who deserved his name to be carried on. He didn't get to have natural children but I never once felt like I was his "step-daughter." In fact some of our mannerisms and thought processes are eerily a like. I knew that my daughter would grow up knowing him because he would make the effort too.

I am not saying I don't care for or love my biological father. This is the reality of the situation sadly enough. I wish he was there and that I had a good relationship with him but I did all that could. My main goal is to make sure that I am healthy emotionally for my daughter and part of that means I have to accept certain situations.

What is in a name as we are all aware, would a rose smell as sweet if it were called by any other? It doesn't matter. A name is a legacy. It is an honor. A tradition and privilege. By taking someone's name whether you are born and given it, marry into it, or choose it you are carrying on a legacy for all time. Carrying on a name means respect. It shows love.

My daughter is special. I just know she is. She needs to carry a name as her maiden that deserves that honor. She will know this and understand this honor. If she marries she too will take on a name as a wife and carry that name in respect as I did with my married name but when that respect isn't reciprocated then that name doesn't matter.

I was asked though, what if I get married then what? I told them, well, maybe if I really like the guy then maybe I will take his name, but for now I will stick with Lockwood. Half joking of course. I do hope however, that if I marry someone that he understands that it's not only me but my daughter as well he is asking to be his family and that he sees my daughter as his. (Which makes the whole dating thing way more complicated but I already talked about that.)

I hope others can see and understand my choice and the reasons why I made that choice. I didn't get adopted or anything, my biological father is still my birth father, but the man I know as my father is the name I now carry.