Admitting It, Getting It Off My Chest and Trusting in the Lord

I know right now I should be focusing on homework. I have a fine art photomanipulation project that I have been putting off but nothing has been coming to me.

I know the reasons. I am depressed. I can't create while I am depressed.

I claim that my depression is situational depression which is very possible, but I am starting to believe that there lies much more with that. Many times in my life I get motivated and push forward with life looking at the positive but then I somehow have gotten no where. Sure, situations have certainly caused me to feel depressed and frustrated but maybe it is so much more. I keep telling myself to just see how it is after the baby is born but I think it is only pushing back the inevitable. Depression runs in my family so it is possible. Although, so does addiction and I have yet to get addicted to something. I am not wanting to go on any type of medications. I have seen the negatives before the positives. I am sure I am not clinically depressed nor do I feel chemically imbalanced. I do know, something is not right, and I have got to change it. Looking at a pamphlet about Postpartum Depression makes it feel even more real. I don't want to be sad when my daughter comes. I have been seeking counseling and this is the longest I have gone without talking to him since going back in December. Little did I realized how important it was for me to go until now.

I know I have tried to remain positive in my blogs. I have tried to make it enjoyable for others to read and not be a woe is me, my life is horrible blah blah have some cheese with that whine. Like I said in the last blog, I don't deserve sympathy. I realized that choices I made were indeed stupid choices and I am now paying for those choices. I am going to admit to everyone out loud and right now that I don't know who the father is. Yes, me, I made the choice and I know that choice was wrong. I am finding the road to repentance is not easy. Just sucks that my daughter has to be in the middle of it. So yeah, I am depressed because of the repercussions on my choices are affected beyond anything I ever thought it would. The more I try to fix it, the worse it becomes and the more depressed I feel. I want to give her the best I can give her. It was mentioned to me that though despite everything and despite the depression I feel it was great to see that I laugh and marvel at my belly when she moves and I have not once said anything that regrets her in any way. I am glad for that, because I do not regret her.

Over all though, I have no idea what to do. I can't even think about simple choices right now. I feel completely lost. My mom mentioned a scripture after my last blog entry Proverbs 3:5. Strangely enough, I didn't have to look it up. I remembered what it said. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding." Right now, I have to trust in the Lord. It feels as though I am stopping and not doing anything to fix the situation. I am needing to stop because everything I am doing is digging myself deeper in a hole. I am hoping, hoping that just by stopping I can see some clear direction on what to do because for the first time, in a long long long long long long time, I am ready to let the Lord take it from here. I have no idea how I am going to make it through the birthing process and first month of being with the baby. Or even breastfeeding. I have no idea how to pay for daycare so I can go to school for the last year and half since I get no state help. I am constantly dreading everyday fearful some other trial or something else will come up that makes this situation that much more difficult to endure. Some how though, I believe in the Lord enough that there is something that will work out and things will be taken care of.

I have to have that faith. I had absolutely almost no faith 8 months ago and now all I have is faith. Some of you know, well now you all know, that is something that is very hard for me to have.