Sunday I went into work feeling exhausted and just weirdly plain pregnant. I didn't want to be there I still wanted to be at home sleeping in my bed dreaming even though it was about recruiting1980's toys (like Rainbow Bright dolls and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle toys) that were life-size and alive to join my Glee club. I think exhaustion, moodiness and just feeling plain pregnant was completely setting in.
When my co-worker/friend saw me her first response was "you look pregnant."I thought before when someone said that to me I would be offended and freak out but instead I was like "yes, well I feel pregnant!" Which was the complete truth, in every which way I felt emotionally and physically pregnant that day and then it strangely occurred to me that I was now 6 months pregnant! So I better look and feel that way in my opinion!
But then at the same time I was also surprised and shocked it was already 6 months. I also think that explains my recent explosion of emotions and today feeling completely off my game. It seems as though anything I try and do is awkward weird and I just want to cry about it! It probably explains my less desire to work at a retail store being on my feet and working freight for little or no money and my lack of feeling motivated to do anything.
Tonight was an explosion to the point where I just finally said, "screw it" and cuddled on the couch to watch "Will and Grace" with my awesome roomie. (It's her favorite show so I have to see why!) Which by the way she was so sweet with my little rants and... well... fight with a baby swing trying to get it out of my way... oh and when I tried to hang a picture up. Oh yeah and not to forget feeling for me and asking me if I did get something to eat when I burned my pot stickers... oh yeah and her amazing input of ideas for my storytelling project. Sigh. I love that woman.
So what does this mean for my future? I am not sure. I have had a lot of surprises this week and partly makes me scared and nervous for the future but I can't help but feel okay about how things are going to turn out either. I guess because despite everything that has happened in my life I am still okay. I just don't want to focus on the hard parts which is so easy to do. So here it goes looking up and pressing forward. If I give up now what kind of mom would that make me?
You are so strong! Hang in there Ali, you are amazing. I can't believe you are working and in school and on your own and about to be a mom! That is so much on your plate right there. You are so creative and I know you'll find way to incorporate that unique style of yours into dealing with things as they get hard. You wont give up. You are too generous!
ReplyDeleteI have no doubt in my mind that you will be ok. You are an amazing woman with a good head on your shoulders, and you have done just find despite the many obstacles you have incurred along the way. Don't forget about your sister over here in Texas that would also do anything for you - seriously, call me for anything! Love ya!
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