I Promise!

5 Promises I Wish My Baby Could Comprehend

1. "Little One, I have been holding you for almost 5 hours straight. I am going to put you down now. You are going to be okay, I promise."

2. "The formula takes about 30 seconds to make. You are not going to die from starvation in that 30 seconds, I promise."

3. "I wont let anyone hold you that will hurt you. It is okay to let someone else hold you and give your mom a break. I wont abandon you, I promise."

4. "I just went into the other room to get something. I wont leave you alone, I promise."

5. "I know I am making you cold by changing your diaper and clothes but don't worry, I am putting another one on. You cry when you are poopy anyway, make up your mind! You wont go without clothes or diapers, I promise!"

"Seriously child, you are okay, I promise."

Open Mic Vidoes!

Here are the videos of my performance on Friday Sept. 9th 2011 at Forza Coffee Co. It was my first time ever performing at an open mic or anything the like. I loved it. I will be doing it again and I will write more songs. I felt so natural being behind the mic and on stage.

My First Open Mic

About two months ago I was working on a project for my video class. I chose to make a music video for one of my original songs. I thought about writing a new one but then one day I brought my guitar to class and my instructor happened to bring his guitar as well. I joked about it but he told me to get mine and so I did. He then told me to play him an original song. I awkwardly and embarrassingly started to play. Now at this point I was not comfortable playing in front of people and would go quiet or extremely flat. I have only sang solo very few times in my life, once in high school, once at Grays Harbor College when I took voice lessons, at my Dad’s wedding and at my brother’s wedding. I did okay in the high school but totally bombed college, was super nervous for the weddings I think my voice cracked and I went flat. If there were other times I don’t remember probably because I blocked them out. 

However, I love to sing. I love to pull out my guitar and create music. Every time I do I feel at peace with myself. When I was pregnant I played my guitar to relax. However, I always wondered what was the point writing this music if I was too scared to perform it for people. I did make a CD with some songs I wrote awhile back but they are okay recordings and it was great fun but I still wouldn’t say I was completely confident.

So here I was playing my song for my instructor and my two classmates/friends. He tells me to play it again and so I do. I start playing it and he jumps in with some amazing guitar riffs. Then my friend jumps in and starts singing the harmony with me. And it was like that was the key that opened the door. I loved it. I was walking on air. So it began. After finding out that my instructor plays in a band with his significant other I was flattered when he kept saying my song was really good. Then when I was playing it and his partner was around she too said it was good I am not sure why that gave me the confidence I needed but it was certainly the right keys.

I started to toy with the idea of performing at an open mic. I set the date. September 9^th. I had two songs already so I wanted a third. I finished writing a third song. Before I felt like I could do it I decided to start playing for my friends anytime we had a gathering. I was so nervous but then it got easier and fun. When I went camping a guy that was camping across from us played the guitar and he did open mics so he gave me some pointers.I played for him and he said they were good. With all of this positive feedback I figured if I was that horrible SOMEONE would say something if I was that horrible.

Per suggestion I decided to go to the open mic at Forza Coffee Company. My friend Mandi, who is also a singer/songwriter, wanted to do it as well which totally helped me have the courage to do it. Since we arrived early we were second and third on the list. I was third. I will forever be grateful for Mandi going before me. I am not entirely sure I would have had the same confidence if I didn’t see my friend do it first and survive!

It was so great that so many friends and family came to support Mandi and I. The place was pretty low key and our posse took up half of the space. When I got up there I wasn’t really all that nervous. I am not entirely sure as too why but I guess I was confident in my ability. I was situated in front of the mic and soon I was singing my first song. I did mess up on the first set of chords but I didn’t let that slow me down or stop me. I soon was into it and loving every minute.

I hate to brag but I will. I did amazing! I think it was the best I ever performed. I don’t think. I know. I know because of the compliments that I had received afterwards, not just from my posse but from others there, which totally makes me feel great. One lady told me that I had a very beautiful voice. I am happy that I was able to perform well so that everyone could enjoy it. I guess there even some teary eyes at one of the songs. I still have a very long way to go to be a solid performer but I am certainly not going to stop now that I realize how comfortable I am behind the mic.

All I know is this new amazing feeling and that I am still on a high. I just know that I am continually building my talent for music and I am excited to see where I go with it. I have worked really hard since the 7th grade to get where I am at. When I was little I actually wrote that I hated to sing! My mom told me in 7th grade that if I was going to sing that I needed to sing correctly. So that is what I have been working on and now it is one of my ultimate passions. Especially after open mic night!

I Almost Have It All

The other day someone said to me that I look great. I felt like it was misrepresented at first but then when I stopped to think about it. I am great because I almost have it all.

I have to admit there for a while I was in a huge rut. Unmotivated, uninspired and unwilling. I think what catipaulted the change was moving into my own place. I remember the day before I was ready to explode and I felt like giving up on everything. Then the next day I found this little home and it's been a huge life changing blessing.

Since then I have done a ton of photography to increase my portfolio so that I can be able to promote myself to hopefully start making money. Also, I have written and started to play original songs for others and set a date to play at an open mic night.

I feel that because I now have sense of independence and increased responsibility I feel like I need to do more. Honestly, I almost have it all. I have my photography, my home, my school, my music and most importantly my daughter. I feel so blessed and in awe.

I guess I owe the man upstairs one rather large hug, and those who know me know I do not give them out lightly.

Questions and Answers

Today was full of answers and yet more questions.

The other day Naomi wasn't feeling well and I got woken up to her throwing up every where. So scary to wake up hearing your baby choking on her own throw up. I don't even think my feet hit the floor when I jumped out of my bed. After going to the dr's that even which was supposed to just check her weight because she was gaining weight so slowly, it came to the conclusion she should go to the ER. After being in the ER for five hours it was only concluded that her potassium level was too high. Not understanding what that was I was sent on our way to see the dr again the next day. At the drs they poked her again to get more blood. She seems to be okay off and on. The blood results came back with more potassium. So they are going to do a different kind of blood test to see if it really is that high. Let's pray that is is not.

I am not sure what it all means but there is stomach bug going around. I am ever so closely monitoring her. I am sure she will be okay. It is just so sad to see something so small not feel well and not really know why. She can't say "Mommy, my tummy hurts." but she does the best she can to communicate when she cries or snuggles into me.

I also got an answer to something I have so desperately waited for. I cried but only because I no longer have this question over my head. What happens next I am not so sure. Only time will tell.

I am moving tomorrow, well mostly, and I am super excited. We have a life to build in our new home. It is just perfect. I have been blessed with some surprise income and I am working towards being able to make money doing portrait photography. I took pictures today of someone and they turned out pretty good.

Taking a leap of faith

I felt that there needed to be a change in my life and I've been changing a lot of things from relationships I am involved in to living situations. After having my daughter all I worry about is what I am doing is not only going to be good for me but will it mostly be good for her.

There was a relationship I was getting involved and although it wasn't or would not be a bad thing it was not the right thing. I still maintain a relationship with this person but it is nothing more than a great friendship which I am totally okay with. You never know what the future has in store but I am grateful to be friends with this person. I had a pretty intense dream that partially triggered this establishing what relationships I want and do not want.

Then there is where I live. I currently live with three great people but it has never felt like home here. Especially since my daughter was born. I feel like that was a part of my depression. It was not necessarily anything they did or did not do exactly but I just felt like I wanted a different situation for my daughter and I. However, I felt trapped and that there was no where else for us to go . I am sure that caused some frustration and sadness as well. I feel the time is approaching where I will be completely out of money. My plan to sell art work did not entirely go and that adds to the pressures.

I have been feeling completely at a loss for what to do. I had a hard time visualizing the future and it in turn made doing anything, even school work like a major challenge. All I felt was, "what is the point?" I even almost gave up all that I worked so hard to stay on the right path and go back to where I was before I got pregnant. I thought about dropping school.

Upon perusing craigslist.org I came across a little mobile home slightly out of my price range but something triggered a spark of hope so I went and checked it out with my best friend. (I am so glad she was transferred here!) I mean, what would it hurt to check it out? The second we pulled up to this little mobile home I felt like that was it. That was the place to establish a home for my daughter and I.

We walked in and it was perfect. The size is perfect, the layout is perfect and the property it sits on is perfect. Knowing that it is slightly out of my price range all I know was I needed to take that leap of faith. I need to provide a good home for my daughter and I know that is the place to do it. It is a 600sqft mobile home on a lovely elderly couples property surrounded by grassy fields and trees. The kitchen is open to the living room, there is a tiny room for Naomi and a bigger room for my computer and art stuff. A bathroom with a stackable washer and dryer. It is next to my best friend and down the road from my brother and his wife. A short distance from the church as well. It is clean and well-maintained. It has a deck, a picnic table and a good sized storage shed. I felt like home when I walked in and already wanted to move .

I know going slightly out of my price range is going to be a huge leap of faith. My next task is to find a good job that I can do while taking care of Naomi and go to school. I am lucky to have amazing people in my life to help me out. I know the Lord will provide a way. I mean, look at all the saints that traveled to Utah and established a home there without having nothing. There are sacrifices I will make, like having internet, but I know it will be worth it. Those who know me know how much I utilize the internet too.

Now moving and establishing my own home has made me excited and is motivating me to do more. I feel like I am getting out the rut I was in and hopefully I did not mess up too much while being in this rut. I am now excited about the future rather than being worried. I will continue to worry do not get me wrong, but I feel like I can tackle ideas and get it going. I have something to work for and that is too keep my home for my daughter.

Quick Update...

Wow. What a crazy couple of weeks. I haven't written much on here or posted any pictures lately because I have been so crazy busy. I thought I would make a quick update.

Good news is that Naomi is starting to finally get bigger! Yay. She finally hit 10lbs! I can't believe she is already two months old. She is doing good with the formula. I still feel sad I had to stop but I still feel like it was the right choice. She is an amazing little baby. So very relaxed most of the time. She does get bored fairly easily and right now she is in "I want my mommy" phase! She loves when guys hold her but not so much a female. It is strange. She is definitely a momma's girl. Can't say I didn't plan for that. Ha! She is also extremely talkative. I am teaching her to say "hi grandma." I think we got the hi part down. She loves to watch TV and the mobile over her bed. Haha. That is so my little girl!

I'm almost done with this school semester. I can't wait. I am not sure I've passed my classes but we shall see. I did what I could do and that was the best for me. (Hence me ignoring this blog.) I am sure it will all work out in the end. I have been also trying to get back into shape. I dislike not being where I was at before pregnancy so I am trying to get back and then some. Right now I am size 18/16 at 269lbs. I can definitely loose that and get back into shape! Every day I push my self and the more jogging I get to do the better I will get.

I am not sure what the future has in store. I am just trying to figure out right now. I am hoping the routes I am going are the right ones and that it can help me out. I need daycare, I need a job to get daycare, I need daycare to get a job. Yeah. Confusing. I still have bouts of sadness and anxiety about things but the one thing I am trying to have is faith. Faith that it will all work out. I did give Naomi the middle name Faith because it reminds me that I had faith she would come and now I have to have faith that everything will be okay. God is on my side I just know it.