Today I will admit that yesterday I was on an emotional train heading for a wreckage. Despite my awesome roommate asking me if everything was okay and me telling him yes, truth was I was not okay.
I had found some videotapes and was going through them. One of them had me and my ex-husband 6 months after we were married. While looking at this video I became sad not because I missed him or having fun moments but it was a captured 15 minutes total of our life 6 months after we were married. It looked and felt no different than what it was 4.5 years later. It was still me trying to be fun and spontaneous while he sat and watched TV barely responsive. How sad to see it now. But, it is also good to see it and that I know what I definitely don't want and I hope that I can avoid another relationship like that. I also ended up going through some emails that we passed back and forth after we split. So, between having to write this crazy letter for him, going through old videotapes and reading emails I could feel myself tumbling down an emotional path.
To top it off I ended up having a very important conversation that was with someone else that was both difficult and emotionally exhausting. But was also tearing me up inside so I am glad it happened. I seriously thought though I was going to loose it but as always I was able to call my Mom, who is so amazing, and was there for me again to get me to a point to where I felt okay.
But the night ended better. I ended up going and hanging out with someone I hope to become really great friends with. It was nice, simple and we just had a good time. This morning I felt better. I felt like I had confronted some things that needed to be said and ended it on a positive note and therefore inspired me to write on my facebook status:
"With life's ups and downs and all arounds I still smile and end up on top."
I have been told recently that I have inspired some people and that makes me feel really good. That despite me thinking the emotional train wreck is going to happen and have devastating results I am able to still stay on track and most importantly have it inspire someone else. I remember telling an important person to me in high school that if all I did in life was bring positive and inspiration to others I would be happy. I don't know if that makes me sound pompous or big headed I just love the world. I love the people in it. There are some amazing people. I believe in the world and everyone in it so much that I don't want to be a part of tearing it down. If going through the things I go through will inspire someone else to make it through their lives than I say bring it. Because I will still smile and end up on top because of how much I truly to love this life and everyone in it.
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