Things that I am learning...

When it comes to memorabilia of my life, letters and journals, even cards and sweet notes, I am a pack rat. I am a memory whore. I have a ton of memories and I cling on to every single one of them. I take pride in my ability to remember dates and the significant events.

While packing I decided that I wanted to go through some of this history. I wanted to thoroughly go through it. I have laughed, cried, been puzzled by some things, shocked, and numb I keep intending to throw things out like, thank you notes from my wedding that never got sent. Or letters that my former husband and I wrote to each other, or even pictures. I even have thank you cards, like from someone named Abby who I apparently helped with her wedding but for the life of me I cannot remember who she is! (I guess my memory is not as good as I thought.) I keep thinking to myself, "why am I torturing myself and why do I hang on these things?"

I tried to dump them but all I could feel was that I was dumping a piece that explained my past. These things were so important to me at one point and it was something that shaped who I am today. Should I even feel compelled to be rid of it?

Here is what I learned from going through these letters and things from my childhood till a year before my marriage ended.

1. I had the most amazing friends and I wonder if I ever reciprocated or showed them how much they meant/mean to me. I hope that some of those letters of discouragement or asking me to give them a call or stop by that I responded to them. I have a feeling I did not and I apologize to every single one of them. It is like I got married and dropped off into my own little world.

2. I was quite the insightful little twerp at times. I wonder what happened to that.

3. I did indeed love my former husband and that is why I still cry when I read those letters and cards. We did indeed love and appreciate each other at one point. What changed all that? Well, I have my theories, but I do not regret being married. I did my best and I learned a lot which will help me when I get married again. I feel I have moved on, but yet, I cannot seem to let the evidence of that era go.

4. Love isn't enough. It is what you do with that love. I have had so many come and go into my life that I showed love too but it obviously wasn't enough. Sometime, somewhere I will be able to be with that person that is a combination of all those special relationships.

5. I am so determined not to ever have to loose a part of myself when finding someone to share this life with.

6. I loved to write. I was a writer. It makes me want to write again.

7. Wow, I predicted so many thing and there is  a test where I randomly wrote numbers down and some how that predicted my future which has come true, down to me being a single mother living on welfare. CRAZY! I should be careful what I say for now on. (I will win a million bucks someday!) 

There are more things, but I realized, I will not toss such important notes into the memory hole. Someday some of these things may come back to haunt me, som day some of these things will be forgotten why I even held on to them, some of these things will always bring tears to my eyes, or pains to my heart or a smile to my face but all in all, I love having every last tiny piece of paper or item. I will hold on to them dearly because I do not ever want to forget where I have been that lead me to now.

Post-college life, moving and dating

Well, post-college life has certainly been interesting. It isn't exactly what I thought would happen but I will make it through. It has been a challenge obtaining clients and/or looking for a solid full-time job. I have had to make a lot of difficult decisions and I went through some interesting things in just a few short months.

I wanted to wait before I posted this before I individually talked to everyone but that doesn't seem to be happening. Also, things are still uncertain. I did a crazy thing, yet something prompted me, to tell my landlords that I will be moving out at the end of the month. Not entirely sure where, however, the most logical choice is Vancouver, Washington. I have amazing friends down there and a place to stay. So, if nothing transpires up here in the next few weeks, then Vancouver is my next destination and if that destination doesn't work out then I will head down to Utah. Why Utah? I am not sure, it is just another prompting and today listening to some wise men it seemed to be about following promptings. I don't really want to move away from Kitsap County because of some amazing friends and experiences I have gained. It truly feels like home. If I do move away maybe someday I will be back. Right now my main priority is to find a job in my career field and establish a home for my daughter, wherever that may be. The interesting thing is I was going to stay here because of some doors opening but in a crazy week most of them have shut or not as wide open as I thought.

I also had a realization today about a certain relationship that I was in. Part of my reasons for wanting to stay here, which are no longer completely valid, was because of that relationship. Technically we dated for a week but that is beside the point. This guy has quickly become someone super important to me and my daughter. She has taken to him very well so it is important to me that we continue the amazing friendship we do have.

But through all of this I realized that dating someone is super complicated. If I date someone but we do break up its not just a break up with me but my daughter as well. The older she gets the more aware she will be  with who I date. I guess that is why I am going to have to be even more picky and why the thought of casual dating doesn't appeal to me anymore.

Also, I have been dedicated to loosing weight and getting healthy. Looking at some pictures of me in July and now I have seen a significant difference. It has been difficult but doable. I also found that I can no longer eat anything unhealthy or full of sugars. It makes me completely ill to my stomach and so now even looking at it has deterred me away. I would say that is God's way of helping me out.

As always my life is crazy and I never know what is going to happen but I am still living it and seeing where it takes me and my sweet baby girl.

A Change...

Looking through my old posts I feel like I have progressed and retracted even worse some things I feel like I am in the exact same position.

However, I think that it isn't entirely a bad thing. Just means I haven't made certain things a priority, because other things were.

I am going to admit something to the entire world. Since my pre-pregancy weight I have gained 85 pounds. WOW. I feel clumbsy, awkward and depressed. I thought maybe it was what I was eating, granted I haven't made the best eating choices and I love my Mt. Dew, however, a lot of it is because I don't eat enough and what I ate wasn't exactly the best thing for me. When I counted calories some day I only consumed 600!

I also have a water retention issue so half of the month I feel even more heavy and more awkward. I knew there was a problem and I thought I was doing everything I could. But, now that school is over and I have a moment to breathe I realize that I honestly didn't do enough. In July I lost 12lbs but it wasn't the good way and my doctor actually didn't like it. She said it was too fast and not the right way.

It has been nice now that school is done. Yay. The last four days in a row I have been doing some sort of physical activity. I feel much better, happier and I love how I feel afterwards. I am going to make it a goal to be a size 16, maybe 14, by the end of the year. There is another certain goal I have in mind and I am also wanting to wear this beautiful dress for that goal. (No, not getting married!) I am currently a size 18/20. I think if I continue a good eating habit, do a daily workout and every night do crunches I think that should easy be obtainable. I have no excuses and nothing to stop me.

I am not doing this for anyone but me and to avoid any possible health issues. I have a goal to do some backpacking next year, more than just hiking trip. So here it goes .

Today also would have been my nine year anniversary if I was still married. Interesting I barely gave it a thought. Just more like, a nostalgic sneeze. The more I grow the more I realize what I learned from it and what I want as I start my dating life again!

End of a College Era

Thursday, August 9th, 2012 I walked out the door from Northwest College of Art and Design as a student. There was no fan fare, there was no marching band, no doves fluttering in the background. However, I walked out with someone who I now consider a best friend. We talked about how weird it was. It was almost too quite. It felt because of what had happened these last three and half years there should have been some kind of procession as we walked out. It was three straight years of blood, sweat, massive amount of tears for school with only two to three week breaks.

That morning I actually cried while I was driving to work, I work for a non-profit organization called Teen Talking Circles as an assistant to Linda Wolf. It has been an amazing opportunity. I cried because I remembered when I walked into my first apartment when I moved here. I had only one item I brought and it was a black and white geometric like painting. I stood out on the porch looking over the water. My heart was shattered because of the events that transpired previous to that moment but I was anxious for what was coming. There was no fanfare, no doves or marching band. It was quiet. I was alone. But little did I know what was going to happen during the next three years.

I experienced an amazing first roommate. She responded to my craigslist ad. She was quirky and interesting. As soon as I met her I knew she was perfect. I enjoyed that first year and half with her. I ended up living in four different places. I like where I am now despite the spiders and high heating bill. It feels like home.

I went through four relationships. Each one I learned a little bit more about myself and what I want in a partner. The longest and last one I had was 4 months total. It has been a while since my last one. I dated a lot. I fell in love twice. One which ended in hurt, hence the painting.

I made some lasting friendships. I am amazed by the amazing friends I now have that I have been blessed to have. I feel like some of them came at the right moment in my life. I know these individuals we will be friends for life and I am amazed by their love and support.

I walked away from my religion. I walked back to my religion. I experienced drinking, Seattle music scene and sat around those who enjoy weed. I ended up high once myself, actually makes for a funny story, but I definitely decided that wasn't for me. I enjoyed the ability to discover myself. I discovered and accepted aspects of me that even though I have came back to my religion I have a deeper understanding of who I am through all of that and makes me accept what I believe even more.

My family also went through alot. My brother, who attended with me, had cancer during our sophomore year. That was a trial and I am so proud of him. He also experienced a deep heart-aching loss during our Senior year, but yet he still trudged forth and is graduating with a higher GPA than me! He has an amazing wife to walk through with him. There is a reason they are my heroes. I will miss them when we part.

One of the greatest joys and challenges I faced was when I had my daughter. The emotions that have been a result of that. From guilt, that I gave up a son but accepted to raise a daughter, to realizing that she is my entire world and my rock. My saving grace that God gave me to keep me grounded. She gives me purpose. Even though I started the school with purpose she makes me focus and work a million times harder. She was meant to be in my life during time.

However, I couldn't have done it without help. I am so thankful for some beautiful ladies and her current daycare for their love, support and help.  For their love they have shown my daughter. She is an amazing girl and it is because I doubt there was never a second that she didn't feel love. I hope they all realize that I couldn't have achieved my degree without their help in caring for her. Each one has an special place in my heart.

Before school I felt I was an amazing artist but the first day I was humbled and realized I had to work harder than I ever had before. I started as wanting Graphic Design and Fine Art majors. It had been a struggle learning what skills and accepting what I had to work harder at. Then they offered more majors. I accepted that fine art was not my path and realized that my passion was indeed photography. I ended up with my B.F.A. in Visual Communications double majoring in Photography and Graphic Design.

Obviously a lot more happened than that, like my few years working at WalMart and getting into writing music. I am ready for the next three years. Interesting to see what happens. I hope to fall in love again and get married, build up a career, provide for my daughter. Play with and teach my daughter as much as possible. The sun is shining this Friday morning. In my head, I hear a fanfare, the marching band and see the doves. Now, I am going to end this posting as the close of a chapter and going to play with my daughter.

Happy 1st Birthday, Naomi!

Sometimes I feel like I am missing out on certain single adult adventures. Then, I look over and see the most beautiful sweet amazing baby girl and I realize that is not true. I am definitely not missing out.

Naomi's first birthday is today. I sometimes can't really believe it. It definitely doesn't feel like it has been a year already. I would be lying if I said it was easy. It was quite a challenge and I suspect that it will only get more challenging.

I know I didn't get to post as much as I hoped. Between her and school I sometimes wonder when I had time to breathe. I have developed friendships and built on my faith this past year. I have seen my family face loss and challenges as well as share hopes and joys.

I have been so blessed during this last year and I know I would not have been able to make it without this amazing support system. I was asked by her daycare provider, who is great, who helped raise her. I listed off a lot of people. I used to not believe that it takes a village to raise a child but I feel that I have been persuaded to think different. Naomi is a great spirit on her own, however, I am most certain that she is only more so because of that amount of love that she has received. She is so happy and bright. She has her moments don't get me wrong but whenever I feel sad I just look at her and she makes me smile.

I remember I was worried about postpartum depression because of the depression I felt while pregnant. However, that was not such the case, she if anything, helped my depression. My natural remedy. I just know that she will continue to bring joy and happiness to me and everyone around. I don't know how I ended up so blessed but God obviously knows what he is doing.

So Happy Birthday, my sweet baby girl. May you forever keep your faith and spirit, and that you will continue to share your joy and happiness. You are my saving angel sent from God and I never will feel like I was missing out again.

Just an update

I have started many posts but seem to never finish them. I suppose because so many things have happened I am not sure where to begin. I also upkeep my photographer blog but I suppose there others who read my more personal blog.

My family went through an experience that was both spiritual and devistating. However, my sister-in-law and brother's strength is such an example and although we are grieving their loss together and I have experienced my own version of loosing a child I can't begin to explain how much I grieve for them. It was a beautiful experience in the sense that you really reflect your own beliefs and I felt how special their little boy was. Jace will be missed even though he was here for just a short time.

I made it through another semester. I scrapped by one class with a C. It seems to get more difficult. I believe that I am just tired of school and I am so close to finishing. I also feel so ready to go on with my life. I am however also scared. I want to be a photographer and that is a difficult career. I have to be deligent and active with seeking work and projects. I am applying for a part time job while I finish school but in my mind I keep saying "but, but, but my photography should be my job." However, it is difficult to get clients to do portraits when there are so many other established photographers that people know. I understand this. That is why I am going to work harder and not give up.

I know I am a talented photographer. I just need to stick with it and keep at it. I can't get discouraged. I have my daughter to take care of. I am looking forward to this project come September. I have a good feeling about it and I think it could become something more than we imagined.

Speaking of my daughter, she is almost a year. She is walking and happily saying "yeah" and "mama" all the time. I cannot believe how much she has grown. I don't see my little baby anymore I see a toddler! She is so amazing and so very smart. I think she is going to definitely give me a run for my money.

I feel like giving up some days but I feel the end is almost here. For now, I will enjoy snuggling with my daughter and trying my hardest to survive and make it through my final semester of school.

Create, create, create...

Wow. So much has happened and I haven't really been keeping an update on my blog. I however am trying to keep a more professional like one.

That seems to be where all my energy is going towards. Building my portfolio, professional blogs and websites. I haven't shared my professional blog yet. I need to. I just am nervous about it. Perhaps here I will soon share.

Things are starting to happen it feels like. I am in my final two semesters of school. I have projects and a thesis to write. I feel like my creativity is exploding! I am trying to start a band, practicing once a week for leisure yet maybe have some kind of outcome. I am going to be doing a film project and incorporate that into some school projects. I am purchasing some photography equipment so I can promote myself and hopefully get some work. Planning a photography excursion coming in September. (You will here more about that.) And more!

I have found that surrounding myself and pushing myself to focus on my creativity keeps me upbeat and positive. It is when I don't create I doubt myself. I am also trying to surround myself with those around me who are also wanting to create. I realized that the world is not going to come to me. I need to go to the world. I haven't taken any action. My maternity leave is over!

Speaking of... my daughter is amazing. She is 8 months now! So crazy how time actually does fly. She is eating solids and pretty much crawling. She feels awkward at times but she is definitely growing and learning. She is saying "momma." Some would argue that is just her making sounds, maybe, but when she sees me and deliberately says it, I know she is calling for me. In fact sometimes she doesn't even say it unless she wants me. So, I am happy to hear that I taught her to say momma! I am excited to continue to watch her grow!

I am happy to be getting involved in so much and I am happy to have my daughter. :)