When it comes to memorabilia of my life, letters and journals, even cards and sweet notes, I am a pack rat. I am a memory whore. I have a ton of memories and I cling on to every single one of them. I take pride in my ability to remember dates and the significant events.
While packing I decided that I wanted to go through some of this history. I wanted to thoroughly go through it. I have laughed, cried, been puzzled by some things, shocked, and numb I keep intending to throw things out like, thank you notes from my wedding that never got sent. Or letters that my former husband and I wrote to each other, or even pictures. I even have thank you cards, like from someone named Abby who I apparently helped with her wedding but for the life of me I cannot remember who she is! (I guess my memory is not as good as I thought.) I keep thinking to myself, "why am I torturing myself and why do I hang on these things?"
I tried to dump them but all I could feel was that I was dumping a piece that explained my past. These things were so important to me at one point and it was something that shaped who I am today. Should I even feel compelled to be rid of it?
Here is what I learned from going through these letters and things from my childhood till a year before my marriage ended.
1. I had the most amazing friends and I wonder if I ever reciprocated or showed them how much they meant/mean to me. I hope that some of those letters of discouragement or asking me to give them a call or stop by that I responded to them. I have a feeling I did not and I apologize to every single one of them. It is like I got married and dropped off into my own little world.
2. I was quite the insightful little twerp at times. I wonder what happened to that.
3. I did indeed love my former husband and that is why I still cry when I read those letters and cards. We did indeed love and appreciate each other at one point. What changed all that? Well, I have my theories, but I do not regret being married. I did my best and I learned a lot which will help me when I get married again. I feel I have moved on, but yet, I cannot seem to let the evidence of that era go.
4. Love isn't enough. It is what you do with that love. I have had so many come and go into my life that I showed love too but it obviously wasn't enough. Sometime, somewhere I will be able to be with that person that is a combination of all those special relationships.
5. I am so determined not to ever have to loose a part of myself when finding someone to share this life with.
6. I loved to write. I was a writer. It makes me want to write again.
7. Wow, I predicted so many thing and there is a test where I randomly wrote numbers down and some how that predicted my future which has come true, down to me being a single mother living on welfare. CRAZY! I should be careful what I say for now on. (I will win a million bucks someday!)
There are more things, but I realized, I will not toss such important notes into the memory hole. Someday some of these things may come back to haunt me, som day some of these things will be forgotten why I even held on to them, some of these things will always bring tears to my eyes, or pains to my heart or a smile to my face but all in all, I love having every last tiny piece of paper or item. I will hold on to them dearly because I do not ever want to forget where I have been that lead me to now.
While packing I decided that I wanted to go through some of this history. I wanted to thoroughly go through it. I have laughed, cried, been puzzled by some things, shocked, and numb I keep intending to throw things out like, thank you notes from my wedding that never got sent. Or letters that my former husband and I wrote to each other, or even pictures. I even have thank you cards, like from someone named Abby who I apparently helped with her wedding but for the life of me I cannot remember who she is! (I guess my memory is not as good as I thought.) I keep thinking to myself, "why am I torturing myself and why do I hang on these things?"
I tried to dump them but all I could feel was that I was dumping a piece that explained my past. These things were so important to me at one point and it was something that shaped who I am today. Should I even feel compelled to be rid of it?
Here is what I learned from going through these letters and things from my childhood till a year before my marriage ended.
1. I had the most amazing friends and I wonder if I ever reciprocated or showed them how much they meant/mean to me. I hope that some of those letters of discouragement or asking me to give them a call or stop by that I responded to them. I have a feeling I did not and I apologize to every single one of them. It is like I got married and dropped off into my own little world.
2. I was quite the insightful little twerp at times. I wonder what happened to that.
3. I did indeed love my former husband and that is why I still cry when I read those letters and cards. We did indeed love and appreciate each other at one point. What changed all that? Well, I have my theories, but I do not regret being married. I did my best and I learned a lot which will help me when I get married again. I feel I have moved on, but yet, I cannot seem to let the evidence of that era go.
4. Love isn't enough. It is what you do with that love. I have had so many come and go into my life that I showed love too but it obviously wasn't enough. Sometime, somewhere I will be able to be with that person that is a combination of all those special relationships.
5. I am so determined not to ever have to loose a part of myself when finding someone to share this life with.
6. I loved to write. I was a writer. It makes me want to write again.
7. Wow, I predicted so many thing and there is a test where I randomly wrote numbers down and some how that predicted my future which has come true, down to me being a single mother living on welfare. CRAZY! I should be careful what I say for now on. (I will win a million bucks someday!)
There are more things, but I realized, I will not toss such important notes into the memory hole. Someday some of these things may come back to haunt me, som day some of these things will be forgotten why I even held on to them, some of these things will always bring tears to my eyes, or pains to my heart or a smile to my face but all in all, I love having every last tiny piece of paper or item. I will hold on to them dearly because I do not ever want to forget where I have been that lead me to now.
I'm the same way. Somehow it feels like, by throwing them away, you're rewriting history somehow....and like with my ex, there is a history of love there, whether we remember it or not. Someday your daughter or grandkids will wanna know about you, and they will have a very real part of you to get to know. Don't be ashamed of your past, it made you who you are today. :)
ReplyDelete