Well, I feel bad. I have not written on here in almost a month. So many good things have happened this month and it has been extremely busy!
Bad things first... I am afraid to say that I am switching to formula. I have attempted to breastfeed but after my trip to Utah it has come to my realization that I just don't give her enough. She is still very small and the WIC lady made me feel almost extra sad by the fact that she is only 8lbs 13oz at two months old. Apparently that is lower than the 25 percentile with her height which is almost 22". I have tried to stick with it but when it comes to feeding her she never seems satisfied and is extremely fussy. It has been a challenge to do it with my hectic lifestyle with school and other activities. I feel good about the decision if that means she will start gaining weight instead of loosing it.
On to the good things. On July 10th she had her Baby Blessing which her Grandpa Lockwood was able to do. She cried the entire time! Of course! It frazzled Grandpa a little but he still gave a great blessing and talked about her name being named after Naomi from the bible. Her name was inspired by God and so I hope she does remember that all her life. She is definitely a very special spirit. My brother and his family came. It was wonderful to see them! I love them all so very much and wish they lived closer to see them more often. Afterwards we had a bbq at my other brother's house. And some friends also showed. It was great to have to much love there for my little girl.
We took a trip down to Utah. I should write a whole blog about that! I missed some classes to go luckily I made up time so that I could do that. It was great! Absolutely wonderful that I got to see my family. I miss my Grandma so so very much and to see her turn 80 was a truly a blessing. I am thrilled that she got to meet her great granddaughter. I also got to meet my nieces some for the first time! Such wonderful beautiful girls. I almost want to move to Texas just so I can be there for them. I absolutely adore them all! In fact, we should all just move to one location to all be together. It was great to meet my new sister-in-law and see my brother. My trip went fairly easy with Naomi. My parents were happy I am sure that they got sleep at night because she sleeps for so many hours at a time. (Speaking of, I think I should wake her and feed her and let her play so I can get some sleep tonight.) My Grandma's birthday party was amazing from, the bagpipe player to all of her quilts and family being there. Truly wonderful party to celebrate such a wonderful woman.
Speaking of my Grandma. I think I should dedicate a whole blog to her. I am reading her life story right now what she wrote and just after reading the introduction I got teary eyed. I am anxious to read the rest of her story. I am truly grateful to have such an amazing humble woman for my Grandma. I admire her on so many deep levels. She is so very special to me. I am so thankful she took the time to write out her life story. I am grateful I keep journals and this blog that I too may someday write my story for my children.
This last month I have been thinking of needing to do some major overhaul. Spiritually, emotionally and physically. It is going to be a challenge but I think it will be the right choices in the long run. I had a dream that Joseph Smith, the prophet that restored the gospel in the latter days, came to me teaching me about the Gospel and it occurred three times. First time I barely listened, the third time I partially listened and then the third time I fully listened. Each time he said to me over and over again "it is important that you know this." It was a simple dream in the end.
Since those dreams I have felt restless. I have begun reading the Book of Mormon to start. I believed so much in it before I must know that it is true and to have a dream like that must be something I need to do. I hope I can make the right decisions and best decisions for me and my daughter.
Obviously it is important.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
One Month Already!
I can't believe that it has already been one month. I feel like it has went by really fast but at the same time strangely slow. It has been quite an adventure thus far. I have experienced crazy sleeping patterns and being completely swollen from water retention. (That is now starting to go down since I got some pills. Yay.)
I am still so amazed that I have a beautiful baby girl. She is mine and I helped create her. She is certainly becoming a Momma's girl and I can't say that is a horrible thing. I love this little girl to pieces and I am excited for our future.
This little girl is amazing. She is more alert when I look at her. This morning I said "I love you my little baby girl!" and she smiled at me! Love it! So I got her to smile for me later. Photo session again!
I am still so amazed that I have a beautiful baby girl. She is mine and I helped create her. She is certainly becoming a Momma's girl and I can't say that is a horrible thing. I love this little girl to pieces and I am excited for our future.
This little girl is amazing. She is more alert when I look at her. This morning I said "I love you my little baby girl!" and she smiled at me! Love it! So I got her to smile for me later. Photo session again!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
The Unexpected.
Life. It is so unpredictable. It is strange and curious. This journey I have gone through thus far has been interesting to say the least. I know I have been slacking writing in here which really has nothing to do with my baby. We are starting to get settled in. Things are starting to feel normal and working out.
The major thing is that someone specific and special in my life is starting to be more in it again. I thought that basically this would never happen. I understand some of my family and friend's reactions to it but I can't help but feel good to go with it. However, I am afraid that a certain aspect is causing this comeback but deep down I honestly don't think it is.
I am so anxious to do the paternity test. Considering that was a major part of my depression for so very long. I am sure all parties are wanting to know. I feel like so much right now is riding on the results of it but I do suffer from anxiety and paranoia at times.
Another unexpected thing was at school on Thursday, at whim playing my song for my class and my instructor getting out his guitar and my friend harmonizing and then and there we almost completed my song. It was amazing. I love writing and playing music. It feels so good and that it mends a piece of my heart every time. I am very desirous to continue this further. Especially since I got a positive response.
Right now... I am not entirely sure what the future intends. I am curious to see it through and want to go with it. I do know, however, this is the happiest I have felt in a very very long time.
The major thing is that someone specific and special in my life is starting to be more in it again. I thought that basically this would never happen. I understand some of my family and friend's reactions to it but I can't help but feel good to go with it. However, I am afraid that a certain aspect is causing this comeback but deep down I honestly don't think it is.
I am so anxious to do the paternity test. Considering that was a major part of my depression for so very long. I am sure all parties are wanting to know. I feel like so much right now is riding on the results of it but I do suffer from anxiety and paranoia at times.
Another unexpected thing was at school on Thursday, at whim playing my song for my class and my instructor getting out his guitar and my friend harmonizing and then and there we almost completed my song. It was amazing. I love writing and playing music. It feels so good and that it mends a piece of my heart every time. I am very desirous to continue this further. Especially since I got a positive response.
Right now... I am not entirely sure what the future intends. I am curious to see it through and want to go with it. I do know, however, this is the happiest I have felt in a very very long time.
Friday, June 17, 2011
And It Continued...
So. She slept till 4am. I got to sleep about 1:30am. So that made 2.5 hours of sleep. Yay me! Usually she goes to sleep again. But didn't want to. I fed her many times over the next 5 hours and she didn't calm down. It didn't help I kept falling asleep while feeding her. It is impossible to sleep when the baby is fussing in the crib across the room.
My mom got me crying to her at 8 am. I was delirious at one point I swore I heard the doorbell ring frantically so grumbling I got up and went to the door. No one was there. I was quite upset no one was there. Not the fact I thought the doorbell was ringing.
Finally by the time she was asleep again I was too awake and hungry to go back to sleep. The morning was rocky with me trying to do homework with battling swelling up and headache. Per request of my mom I called the OB doc and the triage nurse insisted I go in to check my blood pressure. Right before then however I was crying because some pictures I had found on an old phone of my foster children and me I accidentally deleted them. So far not a good day.
It got better going shopping with my dear beautiful friend and it cheered me up to spend time with her and drag her around. Ha. I got my blood pressure checked it was fine. Although the triage nurse made me feel bad for going back to school so soon. I don't really have a choice. I am already having a hard time going back so I didn't take well what she was saying to me about it.
But after shopping for things for my birthday bbq my friend and I came back and watched a movie. It was... interesting. I enjoyed it. Not as funny as I had hoped but it was good. But during the movie I got a phone call. Although, I should probably be more worried than I am turns out Naomi has a staff infection, MRSA, in her belly button. Are you kidding me?! Lucky it is not bad but they called in some antibiotics for her. I feel horrible that at 3 weeks old she already has an ailment! So yes, just made a bad day to worse. I played it cool because my mom was freaking out a little but have to admit that I have some panic going on. I am sure all will be okay but it makes me want to put her in a bubble for a while. So I hope no one feels bad if I tell them no when they want to hold her and see her tomorrow. I just want her to not get worse.
Lets hope tonight goes better. She is currently still asleep in her car seat and I know I need to move her soon but hopefully she wont decide to stay up all night tonight. I also pray that this mrsa thing will go away and nothing else will happen.
My mom got me crying to her at 8 am. I was delirious at one point I swore I heard the doorbell ring frantically so grumbling I got up and went to the door. No one was there. I was quite upset no one was there. Not the fact I thought the doorbell was ringing.
Finally by the time she was asleep again I was too awake and hungry to go back to sleep. The morning was rocky with me trying to do homework with battling swelling up and headache. Per request of my mom I called the OB doc and the triage nurse insisted I go in to check my blood pressure. Right before then however I was crying because some pictures I had found on an old phone of my foster children and me I accidentally deleted them. So far not a good day.
It got better going shopping with my dear beautiful friend and it cheered me up to spend time with her and drag her around. Ha. I got my blood pressure checked it was fine. Although the triage nurse made me feel bad for going back to school so soon. I don't really have a choice. I am already having a hard time going back so I didn't take well what she was saying to me about it.
But after shopping for things for my birthday bbq my friend and I came back and watched a movie. It was... interesting. I enjoyed it. Not as funny as I had hoped but it was good. But during the movie I got a phone call. Although, I should probably be more worried than I am turns out Naomi has a staff infection, MRSA, in her belly button. Are you kidding me?! Lucky it is not bad but they called in some antibiotics for her. I feel horrible that at 3 weeks old she already has an ailment! So yes, just made a bad day to worse. I played it cool because my mom was freaking out a little but have to admit that I have some panic going on. I am sure all will be okay but it makes me want to put her in a bubble for a while. So I hope no one feels bad if I tell them no when they want to hold her and see her tomorrow. I just want her to not get worse.
Lets hope tonight goes better. She is currently still asleep in her car seat and I know I need to move her soon but hopefully she wont decide to stay up all night tonight. I also pray that this mrsa thing will go away and nothing else will happen.
What a day!
So today I felt the emotions. It's been getting harder for me to fall asleep at night and therefore more difficult to wake up in the mornings or do the late night feedings. I think in turn that is starting to take an emotional toll.
Today was extremely difficult for some reason. I had woken up with the plan to do my homework. Which I stuck too but it was getting harder to concentrate on it as the day wore on. I worked on a little bit of everything since I have so much to catch up on. I may cut my losses on some assignments we shall see. At 1 in the afternoon I had fed the baby for the umpteenth (that's an actual word?) time and we played for a while. Finally she had fallen asleep by 3. I thought it would be a great opportunity to push on some homework. But by 4pm I couldn't stand it any longer. My eyes were drooping. I decided a nap was needed in case my little vampire decided to be awake till 2 am again.
Right when I made it there I found myself fighting the sleep but finally I could feel my body drifting. I took note of the time right before I knew sleep was eminent. 4:15ish. Then bam. Not fussing but crying from the crib. Eyes open. I got 5 minutes of sleep. I layed there hoping she would fall back asleep but no, crying got more intense so I got up feeling the fighting of the need to sleep which was more intense now. It is so difficult to go from the second you fall asleep to being awake again. Not possible.
To make matters worse she was in all kinds of a frenzy and then I started to change her diaper. But, she just wouldn't stop pooping and peeing!! It went everywhere! So here I am barely functioning due to jarring 5 minute sleep and she is freaking out! I am trying to be calm about it but I am like "Are you kidding me!? Stop pooping!" Trying to clean up the poop, trying to find a diaper that isn't the same size as her. (Ran out of newborn ones but had size 1's somewhere.) I was ready to just start crying because I knew she just needed to stop pooping so I could feed her again. It had been a few hours. When my roommate came in and I have this saying a lot "Goodness gracious little one" so she came in and said that. I think I gave her the death glare and I said "no, it's damnit little one! She wont stop pooping! It's getting everywhere" (Okay, so I am laughing about it now but it was NOT funny at the time.) My roommate offered to hold her I told her no. It wouldn't have done any good because I knew part of her reasons for screaming like a banshee was that she was hungry. So handing her off would be unproductive. Plus, she was pooping yet again in the new diaper so I would have to change it third time in a five second span!
Finally she stopped pooping and I fed her. By about 5:15 she was asleep once again. I questioned if I should sleep but I decided too. We slept for a long while. But then, she was hungry and I was hungry with a headache. I thought, no worries, I will feed her and she will fall back asleep and I will get to eat. It is 8:30 at this point.
Good plans never pan out. Here it was11:30 she had snacked for the entire three hours and wouldn't go to sleep. I was now starving to where I was nauseous. Everytime she drifted off to sleep and I put her down in her crib she would awake and start crying. My friend that I was talking to online pointed out that I would have to do the "let her cry" deal. Do you realize that when she pushes out her little bottom lip and looks up at me with those dark brown eyes and screams "maaaaaaaaaamaaaaaa" how impossible it is to just let her cry?! Impossible!
I did it although, here it is 1am. I made a dinner that ended up being horrible but it is substance. (By the way, you cannot make beef stew meat patties.) But she has been sleeping for about an hour and now I am afraid to try and sleep and repeat what happened earlier.
I did cry a little. I thought right now a partner would be good to have. But, I did it. I guess today other than the first night was the first day I felt very overwhelmed but it was all to do with the fact I needed to sleep but got pulled out of it and the idea I have a ton of homework to catch up on and not being in class to get that extra instruction makes it harder to do.
Tomorrow is the same thing; homework but with some shopping thrown in. Saturday is my birthday and I do have something planned which I am slightly nervous for but hopefully will be fun. But, hopefully tomorrow there wont be an explosion of poop.
Today was extremely difficult for some reason. I had woken up with the plan to do my homework. Which I stuck too but it was getting harder to concentrate on it as the day wore on. I worked on a little bit of everything since I have so much to catch up on. I may cut my losses on some assignments we shall see. At 1 in the afternoon I had fed the baby for the umpteenth (that's an actual word?) time and we played for a while. Finally she had fallen asleep by 3. I thought it would be a great opportunity to push on some homework. But by 4pm I couldn't stand it any longer. My eyes were drooping. I decided a nap was needed in case my little vampire decided to be awake till 2 am again.
Right when I made it there I found myself fighting the sleep but finally I could feel my body drifting. I took note of the time right before I knew sleep was eminent. 4:15ish. Then bam. Not fussing but crying from the crib. Eyes open. I got 5 minutes of sleep. I layed there hoping she would fall back asleep but no, crying got more intense so I got up feeling the fighting of the need to sleep which was more intense now. It is so difficult to go from the second you fall asleep to being awake again. Not possible.
To make matters worse she was in all kinds of a frenzy and then I started to change her diaper. But, she just wouldn't stop pooping and peeing!! It went everywhere! So here I am barely functioning due to jarring 5 minute sleep and she is freaking out! I am trying to be calm about it but I am like "Are you kidding me!? Stop pooping!" Trying to clean up the poop, trying to find a diaper that isn't the same size as her. (Ran out of newborn ones but had size 1's somewhere.) I was ready to just start crying because I knew she just needed to stop pooping so I could feed her again. It had been a few hours. When my roommate came in and I have this saying a lot "Goodness gracious little one" so she came in and said that. I think I gave her the death glare and I said "no, it's damnit little one! She wont stop pooping! It's getting everywhere" (Okay, so I am laughing about it now but it was NOT funny at the time.) My roommate offered to hold her I told her no. It wouldn't have done any good because I knew part of her reasons for screaming like a banshee was that she was hungry. So handing her off would be unproductive. Plus, she was pooping yet again in the new diaper so I would have to change it third time in a five second span!
Finally she stopped pooping and I fed her. By about 5:15 she was asleep once again. I questioned if I should sleep but I decided too. We slept for a long while. But then, she was hungry and I was hungry with a headache. I thought, no worries, I will feed her and she will fall back asleep and I will get to eat. It is 8:30 at this point.
Good plans never pan out. Here it was11:30 she had snacked for the entire three hours and wouldn't go to sleep. I was now starving to where I was nauseous. Everytime she drifted off to sleep and I put her down in her crib she would awake and start crying. My friend that I was talking to online pointed out that I would have to do the "let her cry" deal. Do you realize that when she pushes out her little bottom lip and looks up at me with those dark brown eyes and screams "maaaaaaaaaamaaaaaa" how impossible it is to just let her cry?! Impossible!
I did it although, here it is 1am. I made a dinner that ended up being horrible but it is substance. (By the way, you cannot make beef stew meat patties.) But she has been sleeping for about an hour and now I am afraid to try and sleep and repeat what happened earlier.
I did cry a little. I thought right now a partner would be good to have. But, I did it. I guess today other than the first night was the first day I felt very overwhelmed but it was all to do with the fact I needed to sleep but got pulled out of it and the idea I have a ton of homework to catch up on and not being in class to get that extra instruction makes it harder to do.
Tomorrow is the same thing; homework but with some shopping thrown in. Saturday is my birthday and I do have something planned which I am slightly nervous for but hopefully will be fun. But, hopefully tomorrow there wont be an explosion of poop.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Photo Sessions!
The joy of being a photographer is that I will always have a camera and so there will be plenty of opportunities to take her picture! She is so photogenic! Here are some pictures I took so far.
All photography is copyright. ;)
6 DAYS OLD:
All photography is copyright. ;)
6 DAYS OLD:
1 WEEK:
11 DAYS OLD:
2 WEEKS:
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Two Weeks Old
My little one is two weeks today. Amazing how it's already been two weeks. I have one week I am taking off from school left. It is going to be extremely difficult to go back I think. These last two weeks have gone by so quick but it has been amazing though. I have enjoyed it even though I have spouted off about her staying up so late. But, I cannot explain fully the love that just wants to burst out of me every time I watch her or hold her.
When she sleeps she likes to sleep with her hands up to her face and she will roll to her side. It just is so freaking adorable I just giggle when I see her. I love her cries because they are so soft but it almost feels like she is properly expressing her frustration. It's not like panic just like "hey I am poopy and hungry so stop what you are doing and come take care of me please." I feel like her communication skills are already very well established.
I am going to take her to church with me today. It should be interesting considering the church is for the young single people. But, I am not ready to quite leave her yet. Also, my car died on the way to my parents house. So I didn't get to go see them before they went back to work. Not happy about that. It also sucks because going without a car is not going to be good. I hope it is not too expensive to fix.
A lot has happened these last two weeks, from reconnecting with someone important to making spiritual choices that I am already battling the opposition for and making some new friendships and working hard to continue other friendships. This is just the beginning and I am praying I can make it through it for my daughter.
(Also, hopefully soon I can get new pictures up too.)
When she sleeps she likes to sleep with her hands up to her face and she will roll to her side. It just is so freaking adorable I just giggle when I see her. I love her cries because they are so soft but it almost feels like she is properly expressing her frustration. It's not like panic just like "hey I am poopy and hungry so stop what you are doing and come take care of me please." I feel like her communication skills are already very well established.
I am going to take her to church with me today. It should be interesting considering the church is for the young single people. But, I am not ready to quite leave her yet. Also, my car died on the way to my parents house. So I didn't get to go see them before they went back to work. Not happy about that. It also sucks because going without a car is not going to be good. I hope it is not too expensive to fix.
A lot has happened these last two weeks, from reconnecting with someone important to making spiritual choices that I am already battling the opposition for and making some new friendships and working hard to continue other friendships. This is just the beginning and I am praying I can make it through it for my daughter.
(Also, hopefully soon I can get new pictures up too.)
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