Just an update

I have started many posts but seem to never finish them. I suppose because so many things have happened I am not sure where to begin. I also upkeep my photographer blog but I suppose there others who read my more personal blog.

My family went through an experience that was both spiritual and devistating. However, my sister-in-law and brother's strength is such an example and although we are grieving their loss together and I have experienced my own version of loosing a child I can't begin to explain how much I grieve for them. It was a beautiful experience in the sense that you really reflect your own beliefs and I felt how special their little boy was. Jace will be missed even though he was here for just a short time.

I made it through another semester. I scrapped by one class with a C. It seems to get more difficult. I believe that I am just tired of school and I am so close to finishing. I also feel so ready to go on with my life. I am however also scared. I want to be a photographer and that is a difficult career. I have to be deligent and active with seeking work and projects. I am applying for a part time job while I finish school but in my mind I keep saying "but, but, but my photography should be my job." However, it is difficult to get clients to do portraits when there are so many other established photographers that people know. I understand this. That is why I am going to work harder and not give up.

I know I am a talented photographer. I just need to stick with it and keep at it. I can't get discouraged. I have my daughter to take care of. I am looking forward to this project come September. I have a good feeling about it and I think it could become something more than we imagined.

Speaking of my daughter, she is almost a year. She is walking and happily saying "yeah" and "mama" all the time. I cannot believe how much she has grown. I don't see my little baby anymore I see a toddler! She is so amazing and so very smart. I think she is going to definitely give me a run for my money.

I feel like giving up some days but I feel the end is almost here. For now, I will enjoy snuggling with my daughter and trying my hardest to survive and make it through my final semester of school.

Create, create, create...

Wow. So much has happened and I haven't really been keeping an update on my blog. I however am trying to keep a more professional like one.

That seems to be where all my energy is going towards. Building my portfolio, professional blogs and websites. I haven't shared my professional blog yet. I need to. I just am nervous about it. Perhaps here I will soon share.

Things are starting to happen it feels like. I am in my final two semesters of school. I have projects and a thesis to write. I feel like my creativity is exploding! I am trying to start a band, practicing once a week for leisure yet maybe have some kind of outcome. I am going to be doing a film project and incorporate that into some school projects. I am purchasing some photography equipment so I can promote myself and hopefully get some work. Planning a photography excursion coming in September. (You will here more about that.) And more!

I have found that surrounding myself and pushing myself to focus on my creativity keeps me upbeat and positive. It is when I don't create I doubt myself. I am also trying to surround myself with those around me who are also wanting to create. I realized that the world is not going to come to me. I need to go to the world. I haven't taken any action. My maternity leave is over!

Speaking of... my daughter is amazing. She is 8 months now! So crazy how time actually does fly. She is eating solids and pretty much crawling. She feels awkward at times but she is definitely growing and learning. She is saying "momma." Some would argue that is just her making sounds, maybe, but when she sees me and deliberately says it, I know she is calling for me. In fact sometimes she doesn't even say it unless she wants me. So, I am happy to hear that I taught her to say momma! I am excited to continue to watch her grow!

I am happy to be getting involved in so much and I am happy to have my daughter. :)

Step up!

Today for another time I have heard a story that the girl and guy go out on some dates but all it leads to ambiguity if they are in a relationship or where it is heading. Now, I have accepted that it is difficult to date right now in my life because of school and being a single mom. However, hearing others claim  that they have to have the "determine the relationship" discussion seems to be more and more frequent.

Back when I first started to date 10 years ago everything seemed to be a bit more cut and dry. Why is it getting more and more difficult for the guy to decided that he does want to go exclusive with this girl he is spending frequent time with? I have to say, I am sure other women feel this way, that the guy needs to step up. Stop just being friends with the girl and get serious.

Perhaps it is my age and realizing that we are not getting any younger that makes this more prevalent. If you want to get married sometime in your life then great, so step up. If you don't want to get married then don't lead a girl on and give her false hope. Be a man and step up. Granted, there are some women who are content just being friends but they generally let that be known from the beginning. Here is an insight my single male friends, that when a girl is continually showing you specific attention and you are continually going out, or you like to say "hanging out" then she is interested in you, so STEP UP!

I Promise!

5 Promises I Wish My Baby Could Comprehend

1. "Little One, I have been holding you for almost 5 hours straight. I am going to put you down now. You are going to be okay, I promise."

2. "The formula takes about 30 seconds to make. You are not going to die from starvation in that 30 seconds, I promise."

3. "I wont let anyone hold you that will hurt you. It is okay to let someone else hold you and give your mom a break. I wont abandon you, I promise."

4. "I just went into the other room to get something. I wont leave you alone, I promise."

5. "I know I am making you cold by changing your diaper and clothes but don't worry, I am putting another one on. You cry when you are poopy anyway, make up your mind! You wont go without clothes or diapers, I promise!"

"Seriously child, you are okay, I promise."

Open Mic Vidoes!

Here are the videos of my performance on Friday Sept. 9th 2011 at Forza Coffee Co. It was my first time ever performing at an open mic or anything the like. I loved it. I will be doing it again and I will write more songs. I felt so natural being behind the mic and on stage.

My First Open Mic

About two months ago I was working on a project for my video class. I chose to make a music video for one of my original songs. I thought about writing a new one but then one day I brought my guitar to class and my instructor happened to bring his guitar as well. I joked about it but he told me to get mine and so I did. He then told me to play him an original song. I awkwardly and embarrassingly started to play. Now at this point I was not comfortable playing in front of people and would go quiet or extremely flat. I have only sang solo very few times in my life, once in high school, once at Grays Harbor College when I took voice lessons, at my Dad’s wedding and at my brother’s wedding. I did okay in the high school but totally bombed college, was super nervous for the weddings I think my voice cracked and I went flat. If there were other times I don’t remember probably because I blocked them out. 

However, I love to sing. I love to pull out my guitar and create music. Every time I do I feel at peace with myself. When I was pregnant I played my guitar to relax. However, I always wondered what was the point writing this music if I was too scared to perform it for people. I did make a CD with some songs I wrote awhile back but they are okay recordings and it was great fun but I still wouldn’t say I was completely confident.

So here I was playing my song for my instructor and my two classmates/friends. He tells me to play it again and so I do. I start playing it and he jumps in with some amazing guitar riffs. Then my friend jumps in and starts singing the harmony with me. And it was like that was the key that opened the door. I loved it. I was walking on air. So it began. After finding out that my instructor plays in a band with his significant other I was flattered when he kept saying my song was really good. Then when I was playing it and his partner was around she too said it was good I am not sure why that gave me the confidence I needed but it was certainly the right keys.

I started to toy with the idea of performing at an open mic. I set the date. September 9^th. I had two songs already so I wanted a third. I finished writing a third song. Before I felt like I could do it I decided to start playing for my friends anytime we had a gathering. I was so nervous but then it got easier and fun. When I went camping a guy that was camping across from us played the guitar and he did open mics so he gave me some pointers.I played for him and he said they were good. With all of this positive feedback I figured if I was that horrible SOMEONE would say something if I was that horrible.

Per suggestion I decided to go to the open mic at Forza Coffee Company. My friend Mandi, who is also a singer/songwriter, wanted to do it as well which totally helped me have the courage to do it. Since we arrived early we were second and third on the list. I was third. I will forever be grateful for Mandi going before me. I am not entirely sure I would have had the same confidence if I didn’t see my friend do it first and survive!

It was so great that so many friends and family came to support Mandi and I. The place was pretty low key and our posse took up half of the space. When I got up there I wasn’t really all that nervous. I am not entirely sure as too why but I guess I was confident in my ability. I was situated in front of the mic and soon I was singing my first song. I did mess up on the first set of chords but I didn’t let that slow me down or stop me. I soon was into it and loving every minute.

I hate to brag but I will. I did amazing! I think it was the best I ever performed. I don’t think. I know. I know because of the compliments that I had received afterwards, not just from my posse but from others there, which totally makes me feel great. One lady told me that I had a very beautiful voice. I am happy that I was able to perform well so that everyone could enjoy it. I guess there even some teary eyes at one of the songs. I still have a very long way to go to be a solid performer but I am certainly not going to stop now that I realize how comfortable I am behind the mic.

All I know is this new amazing feeling and that I am still on a high. I just know that I am continually building my talent for music and I am excited to see where I go with it. I have worked really hard since the 7th grade to get where I am at. When I was little I actually wrote that I hated to sing! My mom told me in 7th grade that if I was going to sing that I needed to sing correctly. So that is what I have been working on and now it is one of my ultimate passions. Especially after open mic night!

I Almost Have It All

The other day someone said to me that I look great. I felt like it was misrepresented at first but then when I stopped to think about it. I am great because I almost have it all.

I have to admit there for a while I was in a huge rut. Unmotivated, uninspired and unwilling. I think what catipaulted the change was moving into my own place. I remember the day before I was ready to explode and I felt like giving up on everything. Then the next day I found this little home and it's been a huge life changing blessing.

Since then I have done a ton of photography to increase my portfolio so that I can be able to promote myself to hopefully start making money. Also, I have written and started to play original songs for others and set a date to play at an open mic night.

I feel that because I now have sense of independence and increased responsibility I feel like I need to do more. Honestly, I almost have it all. I have my photography, my home, my school, my music and most importantly my daughter. I feel so blessed and in awe.

I guess I owe the man upstairs one rather large hug, and those who know me know I do not give them out lightly.