My Non-Baby Shower Baby Shower

Today was a great day! I admit I was a bit apprehensive for some reason but not entirely sure why that is. Maybe because all honestly I hate being the center of attention but who knows. I didn't want people to feel they had to come or that they had to give me anything but I was excited to spend time with people I love and care about so that is the part I was looking forward too. Plus, I wasn't so into the whole typical baby shower stuff. No offense to those who do enjoy those types. I trusted my friends and I knew they would help create something fun.

And it was! We started out eating the great food and just getting to know each other and everyone meeting. They introduced themselves and how they met me. It was amazing that everyone there was a part of different parts of my life. It was neat. I love how I met and became such great friends with everyone there.

After that we played a bingo like game. Which is always fun to do! I created the bingo cards. After we played a few rounds of that we turned over the bingo cards and everyone got to create a scrapbook page. It was great. Everyone jumped right in and some wonderful pages were created. After that fun activity I opened up the awesome gifts my friends gave me and baby. There were some great hand knitted blankets that I totally love, some beautiful and fun clothes and many helpful items. I felt so loved and I appreciate all of the gifts given! Such beautiful people. I hope Naomi will feel their love as much as I feel. After the gifts we decorated the onsies. I would have to say my friend's husband making a pink jeep was pretty cool! (He was a great sport the whole time and the only guy there!) There was some great creativity going on. I will post pictures of the onsies and scrapbook pages later. There was some that brought the scratch tickets, got $12, yay! Also we did the pin thing were you can't say the word "baby" and we guessed when the baby is going to be born. I can't wait to see who wins that one!

I was sad to see everyone go but I was so happy those were able to come. I know others wanted to be there but couldn't that is awesome as well. I just hope everyone knows how grateful I am for their love and support. I could not do it without it. My two friends really pulled off a great baby shower! It was creative and fun. Definitely not cliched!

Here are a few photos:

The craft table!


Great food!

Everyone scrapbooking away!

One of the great knitted blankets! There are others.

That bear is so soft!

After I opened gifts feeling very loved!

Working away at the onsies!

Working on making an awesome onsie!

The Bingo Card I created. Yes, I made everything pictures and all!

Harmonize

When I started to go back to church a friend there encouraged me to also sing in the choir. I really was excited to do. I love to sing and singing in the choir, whether it be church, school or the community choir, has always been a favorite thing to do. Even though I have been participating in it fully since I have been going consistently since February today was a major eye opener. I was off. Way off. I could not get the alto part down to save my life. I did okay in the past but today something was weird and awkward. I felt like a complete failure. Granted I do not claim to be the most amazing singer but I know how to find and carry a tune on key. After singing since the 5th grade I should definitely know something by now. I mean I have even taken lessons.

Feeling awkward and discouraged my friend said something about switching places because she kept hearing the soprano part and it was throwing her off. I said sure. I mean I was off anyway so what would it hurt. But then I found my key. I realized that I was able to hear my part better on the piano being next to it and more great I was able to hear the soprano part better to where I could harmonize with it. I realized that switch brought me closer to the source I needed to sing that day.

Yes, I have an analogy to connect to this experience. I realized today that I am searching for the harmony so I can hear my part and listen to what I need to sing, or in this case, do. Feeling all spiritual and churchy I realized that maybe I am singing the wrong parts and so it is not in harmony. I can't just get the tune by myself. It was basically said to me later today that when we listen to those enticing and the spiritual experiences that then we can feel like we are on the right path.

Here it goes to harmonizing my life. I am going to try it and see where it leads. Hopefully it can become something beautiful like a well harmonized song being sung.

Sacrifices

It is amazing what one will do when things get tough. The sacrifices they make or evaluate what is truly important to them. I have been doing this for about a week now. Going through my life and my priorities with a fine tooth comb and I will tell you that it has been extremely exhausting.

I have come to many conclusions about my current situation and with some other foreseeable not so encouraged situations I will also have to deal with I have had to come up with some pretty tough choices. I have offended others because of them as well. My first goal was to not have to give up school. My priority is my daughter and school. I will do what it takes to have both. Since being denied state help and not getting any other help from those who should be stepping up I have had to figure out how I can still attend school and have someone watch my daughter.

Among the sacrifices I have decided is to cancel my internet services. Those who know me, and it is shown on here as I am typing this at midnight, that I am very much dependent upon the internet. I hate to use that word, actually, I can work around it. I have in the past. I guess I would say I use the internet to it's fullest capacity. I love being connected to people, information and services. I will have access while I am at school so I wont be completely lost without it. It just will prove more challenging. It will indeed take some adjusting to get used too but as I told my mom, school is more important than having the internet at home. It's just one of those sacrifices I have to make and it will be very much worth it.

I am not writing this to get kudos or praises. I am not expressing to be "look how awesome I am." I just am expressing to the world that basically, we do what we can in life to survive and make it in this world. I am survivor. I don't expect the world or anyone to hand me anything and everything. I will do what it takes to get where I need to in life to provide a good life for me and my daughter. I am accepting I am alone in this matter. The choices I've made have made it so but that doesn't mean I am going to expect anything to be handed to me. I was hoping the state could be resource to help me. I need help. I need some help but I can't expect help if I am not willing to do what I can first. I can't take and not give.

It sucks. I am angry. I am depressed. I am hurt. I am confused. I am frustrated. I am lost. But that doesn't mean I am going to give up no matter how much I think I want to or feel like I am going to.

Admitting It, Getting It Off My Chest and Trusting in the Lord

I know right now I should be focusing on homework. I have a fine art photomanipulation project that I have been putting off but nothing has been coming to me.

I know the reasons. I am depressed. I can't create while I am depressed.

I claim that my depression is situational depression which is very possible, but I am starting to believe that there lies much more with that. Many times in my life I get motivated and push forward with life looking at the positive but then I somehow have gotten no where. Sure, situations have certainly caused me to feel depressed and frustrated but maybe it is so much more. I keep telling myself to just see how it is after the baby is born but I think it is only pushing back the inevitable. Depression runs in my family so it is possible. Although, so does addiction and I have yet to get addicted to something. I am not wanting to go on any type of medications. I have seen the negatives before the positives. I am sure I am not clinically depressed nor do I feel chemically imbalanced. I do know, something is not right, and I have got to change it. Looking at a pamphlet about Postpartum Depression makes it feel even more real. I don't want to be sad when my daughter comes. I have been seeking counseling and this is the longest I have gone without talking to him since going back in December. Little did I realized how important it was for me to go until now.

I know I have tried to remain positive in my blogs. I have tried to make it enjoyable for others to read and not be a woe is me, my life is horrible blah blah have some cheese with that whine. Like I said in the last blog, I don't deserve sympathy. I realized that choices I made were indeed stupid choices and I am now paying for those choices. I am going to admit to everyone out loud and right now that I don't know who the father is. Yes, me, I made the choice and I know that choice was wrong. I am finding the road to repentance is not easy. Just sucks that my daughter has to be in the middle of it. So yeah, I am depressed because of the repercussions on my choices are affected beyond anything I ever thought it would. The more I try to fix it, the worse it becomes and the more depressed I feel. I want to give her the best I can give her. It was mentioned to me that though despite everything and despite the depression I feel it was great to see that I laugh and marvel at my belly when she moves and I have not once said anything that regrets her in any way. I am glad for that, because I do not regret her.

Over all though, I have no idea what to do. I can't even think about simple choices right now. I feel completely lost. My mom mentioned a scripture after my last blog entry Proverbs 3:5. Strangely enough, I didn't have to look it up. I remembered what it said. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding." Right now, I have to trust in the Lord. It feels as though I am stopping and not doing anything to fix the situation. I am needing to stop because everything I am doing is digging myself deeper in a hole. I am hoping, hoping that just by stopping I can see some clear direction on what to do because for the first time, in a long long long long long long time, I am ready to let the Lord take it from here. I have no idea how I am going to make it through the birthing process and first month of being with the baby. Or even breastfeeding. I have no idea how to pay for daycare so I can go to school for the last year and half since I get no state help. I am constantly dreading everyday fearful some other trial or something else will come up that makes this situation that much more difficult to endure. Some how though, I believe in the Lord enough that there is something that will work out and things will be taken care of.

I have to have that faith. I had absolutely almost no faith 8 months ago and now all I have is faith. Some of you know, well now you all know, that is something that is very hard for me to have.

Finals

I have had a pretty frustrating few weeks. Especially on Friday when yet again I am too rich to be poor. Even without having a job. I feel very frustrated and lost on what to do. It is not right I am the one struggling but unfortunately this has been the way it is.

I realized this week I only have two weeks left of this semester and it caused a slight panic attack. I at first was unsure why but then when I thought about it that means I am that much closer to having this baby. This is not just finals for school but final month of pregnancy as well. And without knowing how in the world I am going to pay for daycare for the next year and half I am almost dreading the final days of this semester.

It makes me feel more depressed and more unmotivated to get things done which should be the opposite! I found myself pushing myself to get anything done today and it's only 4 o'clock and I am exhausted. I feel like I should have accomplished way more for being home all day which hasn't happened in a very long time.I have met so much opposition and I have been pushing through it as hard as I could.

I am not intending for this blog to be a woe is me but I am expressing the frustrations I am feeling. Do I want pity? Maybe a little. Do I deserve pity? No. I think that is what upsets me the most is I got myself into this situation and the more I try and dig myself out the more it seems there is no way to fix things or make it better.

Perhaps a nap is all I need.

8 Months

It is strange to think I am already 8 months. Although, I can definitely feel it. Even though I have my good days I feel more emotional and exhausting days are more and more. I try so very hard not to act irritated or emotional. I work hard at not being demanding or stubborn. I know I fail at times but it is great to be surrounded by those who love me and want to do anything for me. I hope they know how appreciative I am! I still have this independent streak where I want to do everything myself but I am finding how much I love when someone offers to do something for me.

My awesome roommate got the downstairs ready and so I moved my art stuff down there which opened up the room for the baby. Then last night my great friend and I went and got the crib and began setting it all up! CRAZY though it took us, well mostly her, till 1 am before we got almost done. She was so awesome! I totally love her for helping me!

So today after having an annoying morning I decided I wouldn't feel any satisfaction if I didn't at least get the baby's room completed. Minus a few pictures not hung up yet I would say the room is complete. There are clothes and blankets in the drawers, baby wipes and diapers ready to use. There is a sheet on the mattress and blanket ready to go. The TV is set up and a rocking chair in place. There is still yet more to do but I would say I am more ready than ever and at 8 months with a little over a month to go I am definitely feeling ready for my little baby to arrive.

Here I am stuck in the crib because we built it around me! Didn't quite think that one through!



Diligently working hard at making the drawers! Those things were annoying! Great job! She rocked!



View of the whole room minus where the bookshelf is.



Better view of the crib.



I know there is way more to get done. I think it is on to the preparing for delivery, checking out the hospital, getting medical things in order, financial things in order. I feel like this month is a crucial month and I am looking forward to the final month. Also looking forward to the party on the 16th. I am not a big baby shower like person so our goal is to just to have a celebration/party/get together. Like non-baby-shower baby-shower. I just love my friends and family so just getting together to recognize someone special is arriving is neat however it is celebrated.

At church I was looking at my belly and watching her move. It is so amazing to see my belly move around. I got a little teary eyed because even though this was not how I ever intended to go through my first pregnancy I am content with it. Perhaps someday I will have a partner and we will possibly have another one and going through a pregnancy with them will be a whole different experience.

I got an ultrasound and she is measuring two weeks ahead of schedule so it makes me wonder if my feeling of her arriving on 16th of April is legit. We shall see. I didn't get real good pictures this time around but good to know she is growing well. I hope she isn't too big!

Here goes the final month.

Breastfeeding,

I know this blog would happen eventually. It seems though that appropriate time is now. Okay, maybe not ever but I have got to vent about it.

I know 100% without a shadow of a doubt that breastfeeding is a good good thing to do. The benefits all the way around definitely outweigh formula. It seems that most mother's who can't breastfeed are slightly disappointed that they are unable too. But regardless of this belief and knowledge, I am terrified to breastfeed. Absolutely silly to fear.

It causes some serious angst. One reason I wont go into but over all I have not a clue why it terrifies me so. I am thinking it is because I will be going to school and having to pump there seems... weird. Granted I live 10 minutes away so I can go home to do it. But then even that just seems... uncomfortable and wrong! I know everyone is trying to be encouraging and giving me advice about it but there is some deep rooted fear about it and I can't exactly explain as to why. I am more terrified of breastfeeding than I am of the birthing process! (We all know how terrified I am of that!)

I am hoping that all these fears will just subside when it comes to doing it and I will laugh and say "why was I so worried?"

On a plus note, I get to have another ultrasound tomorrow. I am so excited! It is great to be able to see her again and maybe I will know what part of her body she keeps liking to jab my right side with!